Paper

     I have a desk where I can sit and write. Problem is there is never much room at my desk to sit and write. I have filled the drawers and areas all around my desk with books, and papers, and magazines, and things of the kids, and notebooks. Some written in some not. I have pictures and things for the cookie business hanging around there too. I always feel I need to clean it up, straighten it out, get rid of some stuff. I usually can but I'm always left keeping a ton of paper. Ripped out newspaper clippings. Articles or mentions of websites I want to check out. Things I want to do. Places to go and see. I tried seperating things out into folders but it never stays that way. I have many pages and notebooks of writings I've started. Stories never finished, quotes I like, things I had been thinking or feeling. I've always had a diary or journal of sorts but never the same one and I've never been good with keeping it on a daily basis.
     I realize I've always surrounded myself with all these sorts of paper items and the like. Growing up I had a white metal grated cart in my bedroom. There were four shelving areas on it. Each one was usually full of some sort of paper or book or magazine type matter. And just like my desk and all my other places for keeping all this stuff I can't part with now I'd feel I shouldn't have it, it was clutter. And I'd never get through it all or use it all. But there it always sat and stayed and from time to time I'd go through it and weed it out a bit. More likely I was always adding to it. It just made me, makes me feel good to have it. I don't know that I need it all but I like having it all there. Knowing it's there somewhere if I do need it.
    When working at the library with such easy access to so much more paper goodies and no late fees to worry about I had a ton more lying around the house that I would eventually get to and use and read and look through. I'd have to photocopy any of the good stuff out of those for keeping and I did just that. A lot of times. I have a whole notebook full of some of my favorite stories I found while reading many of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books when they were popular. I couldn't get rid of those. Maybe one day my kids will enjoy them. Or someone. I do when I have a chance to sit and reread them. Which of course isn't all that often as I'm usually finding more paper goods to keep. But knowing I have them makes me feel good. They really are great stories. I should pull them out and share them with the kids.
    I have things ripped out from magazines all over this house. From my bedroom top drawer of my nightstand, that is full of more paper goodies, books, magazines and always a notebook and pen to write with should I need it. To the bathroom where I have a notebook and pen hiding out in the closet for using when the hubby is sleeping and I don't wnat to wake him and I don't want to go downstairs to write whatever it is I need to get out that is keeping me up that night. There are also magazine slips on weight loss, exercise routines, make up tips and beauty items I would like to purchase one day when I go out and splurge on myself. I'm sure I'll get to them one day. Of course the kitchen is full of recipes and cooking ideas all over the And not just in the recipe box where of course they should be. At least I throw away the magazine and only keep the best pages with the good stuff on them.
     I wonder what Rob would think if suddenly I was gone and he had all this paper of mine to go through. I do believe he thinks I'm nuts for having it all right now. Would he look at each paper? Would he read everything I ever wrote? Would the kids? Would they care? Would they have the time, make the time? Would they realize that all that paper and notebooks and every little written scrap meant something I wanted to do or needed to do or try? I was looking for a specific notebook yesterday that I knew only I could find and know what the important stuff was in it. I noticed then how many notebooks I do have going right now with so many different things and thoughts kept in them. Do I start a new one just for them for what if just like in Bridges of Madison County? Though I of course don't have some deep dark hidden romance to tell them about so they'll understand where to toss my ashes.
     My attic and possibly crawlspace have a box or two each of more paper I won't part with. Things I wrote from junior high on up. 7th grade I wrote my first cheesy story about a dance and a guy I liked. I know its in a box somewhere with other paper goodies. How could I throw that away? There is another full box of notes a friend and I wrote back and forth to each other-no texting then! We had our own notebook just for notewriting and would pass it only between the two of us. We figured one day we'd turn it into a book. So, all those pages and notebooks we used sit up there just waiting. Wonder what my kids would think of those? The everyday baloney of my high school life. Or at least the stuff I talked to my girlfriend about. Maybe it's time to do something with it. There's got to be a ton of stories in there.
    Or I'll just keep starting more stories and generating more paper to keep. You know it's been awhile since I've printed out my blogs. Yes, I must do that so I always have them just incase the internet disappears or something. So Emily and Jake can see all my crazy writing when they're older, who knows there's lots of reasons! Ok so maybe I have a paper sickness. No time for doctors though I must go and do some printing now.

Flu Shots

     Reading in the paper today I thought it annoying how they are still trying to convince people to go out and get the flu shot yet again this year. Flu season is never really over of course it just gets worse in the winter. It's sad that recently a little girl passed away from what they believe was the flu. What kills me about that story is that she had gotten the flu shot. Her mother probably thought she didn't have to worry about the flu. Which supports me when I say what is the point of getting the shot? There are many different strains of the flu that go around and around and it changes all the time. No one shot can protect you so why bother. Do the doctors tell you this before you get the shot? I highly doubt it. I have never gotten the flu shot, not even when pregnant. My kids have never gotten the flu shot save Emily who got it by mistake one time.
     We had recently moved into our new home and our first visit to the new doctors office was in December, prime flu shot time. It was a regular well visit as she wasn't two yet. Also prime time for vaccinations. As my experience had been with the boys and vaccines they have you sign for them and then give you all the paperwork about them. Not being one to say no to vaccines I just signed and didn't even look over the paperwork, just put it in my purse for later perusing. The doctor came in and gave the shots. She got three or four that day. After Emily had calmed down I learned she had gotten the flu shot also. I was not happy but not about to make a stink in the new dr.'s office. Off we went and I let it go. That is until she got sick. I can't say for sure she had the flu as we never had it tested but she was quite ill on the couch for a few days. I was quite pissed and convinced it came from the shot she should never have had.
    There is no way of knowing or proving if the shot has protected you. Maybe you never would have gotten the flu without the shot anyway? Who knows. It's a chance I'm willing to take after Emilys experience. If the shot can give you mild flu symptoms why get it. Why suffer yourself or your children. We have all been lucky enough to never have had the flu. Maybe if anyone ever does I'll change my tune. For now there will be no extra shots for us.

People

     When my sister-in-law called for my husband the other day I found I couldn't shut myself up while on the phone with her. I felt bad rethinking it knowing she got much more than she bargained for when I answered the phone. I realized I'm doing what I always wanted to do- staying home with my kids and writing. Although when Jake starts kindergarten next year I'll be home with other peoples' kids, but still. I also realized how much I got used to and liked being around other people. I'm a homebody no doubt. Nothing beats staying home hanging with the kids doing whatever I want in a day. Last week while everyone was home on vacation I didn't go out much. Didn't need to. Didn't want to. But that phone call made me realize I needed to talk to some other people.
    All this technology is great for keeping up to date with everyone you've ever known. But facebooking will never replace actually getting out, sitting down, and talking with people face to literal face. Last night I had to do just that. I haven't really connected with anyone here, where we live, since we moved seven years ago. Maybe getting a job around here sooner or later will help with that. I've never been one to put myself out there so I went back to what I knew, my old job, my library. As my husband pointed out I still call it this. I know it like the back of my hand and have been going since I was a kid so yeah, it is still mine. Maybe once the one here in our district has finished it's renovations I can make this new one here mine and replace the old one. Though it not being within walking distance for me like my old one already gives it a strike against it.  
    I left the house shortly before six and came home around nine. I wasn't sure how long I'd be gone but figured if enough people were there to sit and talk with it could be awhile. I did want to make sure I was home for Emily and Jake to go to bed around nine. I'm pretty sure I talked almost all of that time. Or at least listened and had real conversations with real people the entire time. It wasn't just with people I used to work with it was with patrons and people I knew from the library and from growing up in that area. It was great I felt so happy.
     When I first walked in I saw Paul the pilot with his briefcase, a regular patron I could tell you a great story about but will save it for another time. We chatted for a bit and then I found my favorite librarian in charge and had her bring me back to the breakroom. I'm not technically supposed to be in to be able to sit and talk with everyone on their respective breaks but knew it'd be ok with her. I also brought cookies and my recently finished scrapbook of our big trip. Much more comfy and easy back there with those. I spent a good hour or so back there chatting and catching up with Karen, Madelyn, Lorrraine, Craig, Jaime, Donna, and Patty. It felt good having quiet Gary rolling his eyes again stuck on his break in there with me the loud one who wouldn't shut up.
     I had reasoned out going, and ditching my family for a bit in my mind by having to return a bunch of stuff that was due soon and of course getting some new things I'd wanted. I looked around a bit, feeling right at home and easily finding what I wanted. I'd have gotten more stuff I'm sure if not for stopping to talk with other patrons I knew and coworkers I hadn't seen on break. Seeing Dennis and his son Michael, whom I used to babysit for, was an extra treat. When he saw me he said he had just asked at the front desk about me because he hadn't seen me in awhile. That felt really good, to know I'd been missed. And whenever I see Karen she tells me how she wishes I hadn't left and had worked it out. Another nice ego boost.
     I had wanted to go in and visit like that for awhile. I knew the timing had to be right to be able to do it like I did. It also had to be right for me. Where I could enjoy seeing everyone and not be sad about not being there anymore. I am sad I don't get to see these people on a regular basis anymore. Although this way I may enjoy them much more. I am sad sometimes when money is tight because I'm not working, but we make do. I am very happy to have all the time I do now at home with my kids and for myself and my writing. Nothing really beats that. I do need to feel connected to other people and last night was great for that. Connecting online will never be as good as the real thing!