reasoning part 2

First I have to say to violet if your still with me i don't know why but i can't get the font to go bigger anymore. i have tried every post that has been small again. guess i will have to ask my husband for help to se if he can show me what i'm missing
I didn't go to college for very long, i had the boys. for my 20th bday when they were eight months old i got a check from my brother for $500. God knows why exactly. I think he may have been trying to help me in some way. I don't think my sisters ever received that kind of bday gift. I tried to put it to good use. I had seen ads in magazines about writing for children and young adults. they'd send you a free test and if you did well on it you could enroll in their writing school. I of course passed the test as now older and wiser me thinks probably everyone who ever takes the test does. with help from my brother i enrolled in their classes. There was no internet class yet it was by mail. It was perfect i could do the assignments when i had the time and had to get them back within a reasonable amount f time. if i needed more time i could extend it. There were a total of ten assignments. though ten had two parts a and b. I completed every assignment except 10b. I can say this was when andrew was diagnosed with pdd and needed to start going to a special school so that of course took precidence over me. But i just let it go. i never made myself get back and finish. part a was and outline for a novel and three possible publishers u thought would have interest in it and why. part b was the first five chapters or so of said novel. i think maybe i did one. i never pushed. i never finished. i gave up. i still regret it. last year i sent away again for the test just to see if they would accept me again but guess what, never finished the application.
When i was working on these assignments i was also working here at the library. there was a woman i used to work with who would always ask me about them. she'd read them and gave me reassurance that it was all good. after awhile she'd start asking how the book/story i was working on was coming since i was doing a lot of writing here. I had to keep up, she always asked. she passed away before i got married eight years ago. i still feel like i let her down tho not keeping things up.
when i moved positions at work from a page to the circulation desk i did it thinking i'd work nights and go to school during the day now that my boys were both in school full time. School for writing at that time. now i could go further and go for the masters in library science but it takes money i do not have. oh and if u have kept up with me i didn't win that scholarship thing but theres a new one i'll at least go for to keep me trying. I got engaged, got married and had a baby a year later. I was kept busy with life and my days were filled with other things.
Like with the book i'm reading now, sometimes things just hit me right and make me realise how much i really want to write. have something tangible you can hold in your hand that came from me. maybe it moved you, maybe you disagreed with it, hated it, whatever as long as it had an effect on you. those are the stories that keep my passion for writing going. maybe i need to find more or just go over the ones i know more often to keep me going. we read a story in 8th grade english class. mr bloom, what a waste of space. i remember three things from his class, memorizing prepositions, hanging out with frank barbs and gene in class, and The Lady or The Tiger. it is a short story i have never forgotten. absolutely great even if it did piss me off at the time i read it. i won't ruin it for you if you've never read it. get a copy somewhere. if you really want to know email me about it.
so yes i made it back. found there was waaay too much i wanted to say to continue this. i have been waiting to get back here since i had to return from break last time around. looking forward to it completely. and that made me feel good. but was part of that because it wasn't work-like and i didn't even bother to go over what i wrote and edit and touch up. i honestly do not have the time to do it here unless i make really short posts. making the time at home is another matter of course. always so much going on and as andrew the teenager has taught us lately even more than we really want to know but absolutely need to and deal with. but they can't be my excuses anymore. somewhere somehow i need to find the time. i know i can like i did with the exercise but that made me feel better all around and even gave me more energy. maybe this will do the same. at the least it may make me a bit happier doing what i've always wanted to.

reasoning

At work but making the effort to get in blog today. been awhile are you glad I'm here? :) when i started this i thought it may be better if not a lot of people read this then i could really get into anything i wanted to and not have to think about anyone reading it. but then thats just a diary and i've had plenty of those. this was supposed to be different. this was finally supposed to get my words out there. to get some feedback maybe, some readers maybe. see what i was made of and why i haven't forced myself into writing more as i always dreamed i would. there was a story in one of those chicken soup for the soul books about a girl who wanted to write and wanted to b the author of the book sitting propped up in the library that she loved so much. well i didn't write it but i was certainly that girl. i know i am afraid to push myself because what if i really am no good. who wants to kill the dream. i'm also lazy. I hate editiong and going over what i write. over and over and over again. but that is the work part. and if your read me here ennough you'll see how some entries are nice and clean with all the proper punctuation and all we learned so many years ago and others are not. I either do not have the time to fix and want to get it posted or just don't care. usually i don't care when i'm completely venting and i'd rather not read over what i wrote. today i do not have time. i had to sit here waiting for this laptop to boot up and connect and then realised it was slow cause i wasn't connected to the correct network. so ten minutes of my 15 mintue break were just waiting. of course we all take more than 15. usually a good thirty and since its friday and i'm stuck with people i don't like much and are lazy bastards i may stretch it to 45 if i need it like they do. :)
Anyway i was talking with someone last night and i believe they made reference to my last blog which made my night as i was happy someone was acknowledging what i'm doing here. and that of course keeps me going and writing. sometimes i just get this itch where i have to write. have to get stuff out have to feel then pen and the paper in my hands. or see the words come up on the screen as i put them together. unfortunately that usually takes a month or so of not writing to push me to it. and even then when i do its a bunch of pages and i leave it again. I never asked if thats why they said what they did i just assumed it and it got me here today. actually before i fell asleep last night i was thinking of all the things i could be writing but i really needed to be sleeping. this happens way too often. when i'm lying there and just can't shut off my brain i have the best ideas of what to write about. can even get the thoughts organized and the words right. i have learned if i don't get up and write stuff down its gone. or at least it doeasn't come back to me in that same perfect way as it had in the middle of the night. again i'm lazy most of the time and i don't get up and do it. a serious dedicated writer would. guess i'm not there yet.
I am in the middle of a very good book right now. only started it a day or 2 ago and i'll probably finish it today. did not take my break to read this time for the reason stated above and also it's looking slow here today so i may get in a lot of reading time instead of working. so maybe i'll even be back here for a second go round on my afternoon break. lunchtime i have plans so your out of luck :) anyway this book is one that makes me want to write. its one that hits you and stays with you. thats what i want to do. if only i have the right topic i guess. there are so many fluff books out there i have had ideas for them and knew they may make it but i don't make myself do it. although that is not entirely true. i started on. my husband bought me my first laptop a few years ago. i was thirlkled tho it was probably too expensive at the time. i started using it more and more and putting together stories of all the crazy people my and my coworkers have dealt with over the years. it was going pretty nicely and i believe i saved most of it onto a disc somewhere so one day i could go back but heres what's keeping me away... my husband and i made an office room in our tiny middle bedroom for awhile. he had a desk with computer and all and i finally had my own desk again to be able to sit and write. i also put up shelves above my desk holding photo albums so i could use my desk for scrapbooking and to get rid of the 20 plus photo albums i have. well one day as my nice laptop was sitting on my nice desk waiting for me to pour my heart and soul into some great work that i had actually maybe started for once, seriously, we heard a loud crash. and if you haven't already already guessing. the big albums crashed the laptop on the desk and the laptop was no more. sure my husband did his best but no good. so i ask you is that a sign. cause to me it was. either what i was doing was crap or i just wasn't meant to. and for a long time after i rarely wrote a thing. to me it was like my dream was crushed right there in front of my eyes.
pretty depressing. but i'm here and i'm still trying. but time is ticking away and i'n thinking i need to go to school to have a better job than the one i've been hating a lot lately. or then i toy with the idea that if i worked at writing like i would have to for school... well maybe i'd get to where i always dreamed i'd be.

peace and quiet

I thought since I was working a lot this summer I'd use my breaks to post often. I'd have peace and quiet at the library and could bang out one a day or so. Well, maybe I've been lazy, but I've been enjoying my breaks more often as time to myself rather than having to get something done as I sometimes see this blog. I was enjoying the sunshine outside on our little patio at work and reading most times. My lunch or dinner hour if I wasn't out with friends from work, I was at my dads or just sitting in the car eating and reading. Lazy days of summer right? Guess since we've been back I've sort of been putting that saying to use.
I've been working four days a week since we got back from vacation. I chose it and we can use the money. Weds. and Thurs I work 1-9pm. Fri and Sat 9-5. When I first get in weds or thurs its smack in the middle of the day and it's usually crazy. We have had some kind of childrens program every day which brings people and loud kiddies in in droves. We also have our ILL cart, sometimes two, full of books from other libraries that we have to get in order and call every single person each item is for. Hundreds of calls a day. Plus the regular every day people who come in to see us and harass us (sometimes) I have to break early since i have to take dinner early at 4pm. After and hour and a half of the crazines I just want time to myself. I don't usually even sit in the break room with other people to chat. I go outside by myself most times because it's sooooo hot for everyone else. I've learned if i don't get outside for a bit during the day i'll become frozen from the air conditioning thats cranked up pretty high around my desk area. I really hate having to wear a sweater in the middle of summer. It just really annoys me. It's not right.
Coming back from dinner at five is usually a nice changeover of coworkers. The daytime people who think they are better than everyone else and know it all and barely work have left and we have the newer nighttime crew. A few of which I went out to late night happy hour with after work last night so you know we have a good time and get along. Evenings are much better, sometimes much quieter than the days . Defintely more relaxed because you don't have to worry about the director stalking around making you crazy. If we're hanging out and chatting on a slow night I like to break by myself and read outside again usually. It's really great. I have been reading quite a lot lately jumping from book to book to book. And of course when your in the middle of a good one thats all you want to do with that precious little free time you do get to yourself.
I am home three days straight which gives a nice break from the crazy work. Though there is plenty of work to do at home. Keeping the place clean, shopping, laundry, cooking, planning meals for the week. All the good day to day stuff I don't get to or don't bother when i'm working four days straight. Trying to keep up with the one tv show over the summer should be easy. I have 2 Rescue Me episodes waiting on dvr and hopefully I'll catch up by next tues before theres another new one. I'm hoping sunday. :)
Because it's summer there are extra fun things to keep you busy. or things you want to do to keep the kids busy. Been trying to get them over to dads more. Emily has a birthday party almost once a week. Keeping Jake out of water and busy with his boo-boo arm. Oh and of course we added a puppy to the family. And a few weeks later bought one of those metal frame do it yourself pool. 16' round so its been fun trying to get that going too.
I look forward to summer all school year to get to spend more time with the kiddies. Yet I've probably still got a month left of summer and I'm looking forward to the more organized (regimented almost) days of school. Where I work less and have a little more time for me. Whats sick is i miss having time to work out. I know i've put back on a few more punds since coming back from vacay. And I know i could make time at least on my days off but i have yet too and don't really want too. it's really not fun feeling fat and lazy over summer. Plus its hard with everyone home to take over the living room tv, with the space in the room to work out in. Maybe this will help get me back into the swing of things for me. Maybe I'll sit down and write more once a week at least on my off days instead of cleaning up the messy house. Though with the pee pee dog i cannot slow down on the laundry. And if he calms down more after he gets his shots I can take off with him with the excuse of a walk and get in some exercise too. Hmmmmm