Paper

     I have a desk where I can sit and write. Problem is there is never much room at my desk to sit and write. I have filled the drawers and areas all around my desk with books, and papers, and magazines, and things of the kids, and notebooks. Some written in some not. I have pictures and things for the cookie business hanging around there too. I always feel I need to clean it up, straighten it out, get rid of some stuff. I usually can but I'm always left keeping a ton of paper. Ripped out newspaper clippings. Articles or mentions of websites I want to check out. Things I want to do. Places to go and see. I tried seperating things out into folders but it never stays that way. I have many pages and notebooks of writings I've started. Stories never finished, quotes I like, things I had been thinking or feeling. I've always had a diary or journal of sorts but never the same one and I've never been good with keeping it on a daily basis.
     I realize I've always surrounded myself with all these sorts of paper items and the like. Growing up I had a white metal grated cart in my bedroom. There were four shelving areas on it. Each one was usually full of some sort of paper or book or magazine type matter. And just like my desk and all my other places for keeping all this stuff I can't part with now I'd feel I shouldn't have it, it was clutter. And I'd never get through it all or use it all. But there it always sat and stayed and from time to time I'd go through it and weed it out a bit. More likely I was always adding to it. It just made me, makes me feel good to have it. I don't know that I need it all but I like having it all there. Knowing it's there somewhere if I do need it.
    When working at the library with such easy access to so much more paper goodies and no late fees to worry about I had a ton more lying around the house that I would eventually get to and use and read and look through. I'd have to photocopy any of the good stuff out of those for keeping and I did just that. A lot of times. I have a whole notebook full of some of my favorite stories I found while reading many of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books when they were popular. I couldn't get rid of those. Maybe one day my kids will enjoy them. Or someone. I do when I have a chance to sit and reread them. Which of course isn't all that often as I'm usually finding more paper goods to keep. But knowing I have them makes me feel good. They really are great stories. I should pull them out and share them with the kids.
    I have things ripped out from magazines all over this house. From my bedroom top drawer of my nightstand, that is full of more paper goodies, books, magazines and always a notebook and pen to write with should I need it. To the bathroom where I have a notebook and pen hiding out in the closet for using when the hubby is sleeping and I don't wnat to wake him and I don't want to go downstairs to write whatever it is I need to get out that is keeping me up that night. There are also magazine slips on weight loss, exercise routines, make up tips and beauty items I would like to purchase one day when I go out and splurge on myself. I'm sure I'll get to them one day. Of course the kitchen is full of recipes and cooking ideas all over the And not just in the recipe box where of course they should be. At least I throw away the magazine and only keep the best pages with the good stuff on them.
     I wonder what Rob would think if suddenly I was gone and he had all this paper of mine to go through. I do believe he thinks I'm nuts for having it all right now. Would he look at each paper? Would he read everything I ever wrote? Would the kids? Would they care? Would they have the time, make the time? Would they realize that all that paper and notebooks and every little written scrap meant something I wanted to do or needed to do or try? I was looking for a specific notebook yesterday that I knew only I could find and know what the important stuff was in it. I noticed then how many notebooks I do have going right now with so many different things and thoughts kept in them. Do I start a new one just for them for what if just like in Bridges of Madison County? Though I of course don't have some deep dark hidden romance to tell them about so they'll understand where to toss my ashes.
     My attic and possibly crawlspace have a box or two each of more paper I won't part with. Things I wrote from junior high on up. 7th grade I wrote my first cheesy story about a dance and a guy I liked. I know its in a box somewhere with other paper goodies. How could I throw that away? There is another full box of notes a friend and I wrote back and forth to each other-no texting then! We had our own notebook just for notewriting and would pass it only between the two of us. We figured one day we'd turn it into a book. So, all those pages and notebooks we used sit up there just waiting. Wonder what my kids would think of those? The everyday baloney of my high school life. Or at least the stuff I talked to my girlfriend about. Maybe it's time to do something with it. There's got to be a ton of stories in there.
    Or I'll just keep starting more stories and generating more paper to keep. You know it's been awhile since I've printed out my blogs. Yes, I must do that so I always have them just incase the internet disappears or something. So Emily and Jake can see all my crazy writing when they're older, who knows there's lots of reasons! Ok so maybe I have a paper sickness. No time for doctors though I must go and do some printing now.

Flu Shots

     Reading in the paper today I thought it annoying how they are still trying to convince people to go out and get the flu shot yet again this year. Flu season is never really over of course it just gets worse in the winter. It's sad that recently a little girl passed away from what they believe was the flu. What kills me about that story is that she had gotten the flu shot. Her mother probably thought she didn't have to worry about the flu. Which supports me when I say what is the point of getting the shot? There are many different strains of the flu that go around and around and it changes all the time. No one shot can protect you so why bother. Do the doctors tell you this before you get the shot? I highly doubt it. I have never gotten the flu shot, not even when pregnant. My kids have never gotten the flu shot save Emily who got it by mistake one time.
     We had recently moved into our new home and our first visit to the new doctors office was in December, prime flu shot time. It was a regular well visit as she wasn't two yet. Also prime time for vaccinations. As my experience had been with the boys and vaccines they have you sign for them and then give you all the paperwork about them. Not being one to say no to vaccines I just signed and didn't even look over the paperwork, just put it in my purse for later perusing. The doctor came in and gave the shots. She got three or four that day. After Emily had calmed down I learned she had gotten the flu shot also. I was not happy but not about to make a stink in the new dr.'s office. Off we went and I let it go. That is until she got sick. I can't say for sure she had the flu as we never had it tested but she was quite ill on the couch for a few days. I was quite pissed and convinced it came from the shot she should never have had.
    There is no way of knowing or proving if the shot has protected you. Maybe you never would have gotten the flu without the shot anyway? Who knows. It's a chance I'm willing to take after Emilys experience. If the shot can give you mild flu symptoms why get it. Why suffer yourself or your children. We have all been lucky enough to never have had the flu. Maybe if anyone ever does I'll change my tune. For now there will be no extra shots for us.

People

     When my sister-in-law called for my husband the other day I found I couldn't shut myself up while on the phone with her. I felt bad rethinking it knowing she got much more than she bargained for when I answered the phone. I realized I'm doing what I always wanted to do- staying home with my kids and writing. Although when Jake starts kindergarten next year I'll be home with other peoples' kids, but still. I also realized how much I got used to and liked being around other people. I'm a homebody no doubt. Nothing beats staying home hanging with the kids doing whatever I want in a day. Last week while everyone was home on vacation I didn't go out much. Didn't need to. Didn't want to. But that phone call made me realize I needed to talk to some other people.
    All this technology is great for keeping up to date with everyone you've ever known. But facebooking will never replace actually getting out, sitting down, and talking with people face to literal face. Last night I had to do just that. I haven't really connected with anyone here, where we live, since we moved seven years ago. Maybe getting a job around here sooner or later will help with that. I've never been one to put myself out there so I went back to what I knew, my old job, my library. As my husband pointed out I still call it this. I know it like the back of my hand and have been going since I was a kid so yeah, it is still mine. Maybe once the one here in our district has finished it's renovations I can make this new one here mine and replace the old one. Though it not being within walking distance for me like my old one already gives it a strike against it.  
    I left the house shortly before six and came home around nine. I wasn't sure how long I'd be gone but figured if enough people were there to sit and talk with it could be awhile. I did want to make sure I was home for Emily and Jake to go to bed around nine. I'm pretty sure I talked almost all of that time. Or at least listened and had real conversations with real people the entire time. It wasn't just with people I used to work with it was with patrons and people I knew from the library and from growing up in that area. It was great I felt so happy.
     When I first walked in I saw Paul the pilot with his briefcase, a regular patron I could tell you a great story about but will save it for another time. We chatted for a bit and then I found my favorite librarian in charge and had her bring me back to the breakroom. I'm not technically supposed to be in to be able to sit and talk with everyone on their respective breaks but knew it'd be ok with her. I also brought cookies and my recently finished scrapbook of our big trip. Much more comfy and easy back there with those. I spent a good hour or so back there chatting and catching up with Karen, Madelyn, Lorrraine, Craig, Jaime, Donna, and Patty. It felt good having quiet Gary rolling his eyes again stuck on his break in there with me the loud one who wouldn't shut up.
     I had reasoned out going, and ditching my family for a bit in my mind by having to return a bunch of stuff that was due soon and of course getting some new things I'd wanted. I looked around a bit, feeling right at home and easily finding what I wanted. I'd have gotten more stuff I'm sure if not for stopping to talk with other patrons I knew and coworkers I hadn't seen on break. Seeing Dennis and his son Michael, whom I used to babysit for, was an extra treat. When he saw me he said he had just asked at the front desk about me because he hadn't seen me in awhile. That felt really good, to know I'd been missed. And whenever I see Karen she tells me how she wishes I hadn't left and had worked it out. Another nice ego boost.
     I had wanted to go in and visit like that for awhile. I knew the timing had to be right to be able to do it like I did. It also had to be right for me. Where I could enjoy seeing everyone and not be sad about not being there anymore. I am sad I don't get to see these people on a regular basis anymore. Although this way I may enjoy them much more. I am sad sometimes when money is tight because I'm not working, but we make do. I am very happy to have all the time I do now at home with my kids and for myself and my writing. Nothing really beats that. I do need to feel connected to other people and last night was great for that. Connecting online will never be as good as the real thing!

Illinois

     Leaving Missouri on our big trip this summer we had a decent drive all the way up through Illinois to get to where we were staying. Figuring most of the day would be spent in the car we decided to break it up with some fun stops. About and hour or so in we stopped first in Collinsville, Il. to see the Worlds Largest Catsup bottle. We're not big catsup/ketchup eaters, well maybe Emily is, but it was something fun and silly to see and on the way. I thought it'd be easily spotted, it was not. We stopped at a gas station to get exact directions after being unable to find it on our own. It is quite high so getting pictures with it wasn't going to happen. There was a building at it's foot with a celebration banner painted on it about the bottle and we took some pictures with that. We also brought home a small cardboard sign that had fallen over advertising the Worlds Largest Catsup Bottle Festival which was to be the next day. Our timing was just a bit off for it.

     About ten thirty in the morning we made it to our next stop, The Cozy Dog Drive In, Springfield, Il. They are actually a certified Route 66 Roadside Attracttion. They are the creators of the original corn dog, or as they called it the cozy dog. The place was really cool inside with a ton of Route 66 memorabilia. And we all had to have a cozy dog snack no matter what time it was. We washed them down with cool route 66 sodas, orange and lime. Yummy stuff we can't find at home. The bottles were really cool too with historic Route 66 places written about on the back. Great useful souveniers. Emily had become obsessed with corn dogs before we took off on our trip so this should have been a great stop for her. Too bad she didn't really like the real thing freshly fried up to eat. At least not that early in the day.

     A few hours later we stopped at Mcdonalds. This one was across the street from Wrigley Field. We didn't eat here but did run in for a bathroom stop before taking some pictures outside Wrigley. As it was a Saturday I thought it quite funny that two separate wedding parties also showed up to take pictures outside it. We were all getting hungry by this time again and so in Chicago we knew we had to try some deep dish pizza. In the car we checked the GPS to see what pizza places were around. Rob then jumped on the internet through his phone to find some quick reviews and pick a good one. Don't you just love technology? We wound up at The Art of Pizza, a few blocks away. We got our drinks and had some garlic bread as we waited for our pizza to cook. It was so delicious I was tempted to get more just to have it while we were there despite being stuffed already. The kids and I all loved it. Rob just called it a glorified round sicilian. Whatever. It was good pizza!

     Next up was check in time at the hotel in Waukegan, Il. Our room was at the end of a long hallway, thankfully with a door to the outside close by. We also had a great view of a different Mcdonalds drive thru right out our window. It was late enough that we didn't want to head to the next Six Flags park we had come for but early enough we wanted to do something. We decided on mini golf. We picked a place close by from the flyers and what not at the hotel. When we arrived we weren't even sure it was the right place, it seemed so small and dark. Rob looked around the back of the building to be sure before we even got out of the car. It turns out it had been someones house and backyard that were now turned into a small game room and the whole backyard was the mini golf course. Weird, but actually quite nice even if it was smushed together and in between other regular homes. you could see their backyards some from the course. We had a fun game and then called it a night at the hotel so we'd be raring to go for a full park day the next day. We had brought some easy microwavable things for cheap meals along the way and thats what we had this night. Any of us who were still hungry.

     Because we went to the Missouri Six Flags and this one here in Illinois, called Great America, so close to each other I tend to confuse them. I know that Six Flags Great America had this thing called the Skytrail. You had to pay extra to do it but not much and so I let the boys do it and they loved it. Basically your harnessed in and have to go up and around all these balance beams, rope ladders and crazy things up in the air. Emily wanted to do it too but couldn't because of her shoes. Robert and Andrew loved it and stayed up there quite awhile. They also had one of Robs favorite rides where you sit in a boat and go around shooting water at all the other people in the other boats. I can't recall the name of it. Not my cup of tea. I remember giving in and getting a bag of M&M's for the kids. And of course while trying to open it walking down the path the bag ripped and we lost half of it on the ground. Oh and I cannot forget that when you first entered the park there was a really cool double level carousel we of course rode a little later in the day.

    Although the day at the park wasn't very memorable for me I'm sure the kids could tell you a lot more about it. I know they enjoyed it. I believe it was this night before we took off for our next states that I had some crazy dreams about strange, bad things happening to us along the way. I was paranoid in the beginning we'd get into an accident or have some kind of car trouble and not be able to make it home. Or that something would happen to any one of us and we'd be spending our vacation in some strange hospital somewhere. Of course none of these things happened but it took me another few days to relax and really enjoy the trip. It was sort of like that first week of the trip I really couldn't believe we were doing it, that we could do it, it was such a crazy thing to do. But I am so glad we did, bad dreams, crazy paranoia of mine and all.  

Scrabble

    When her brothers go to their dads for the weekend Emily hangs around us, the parents, a lot more. Keeping her busy we started playng Scrabble again the other night. We have played it a lot off and on over the years. It's like a phase, we'll play every day for awhile and then not play for a longer while, usually before coming back to it again. I never played it much as a kid but with our kids we've played it a ton. I think it's great for kids in that it really is such a learning game. Being the lover of books and words that I am of course I love this game. It's not only english practice they get with all the words they try to create but math too when they do the scoring. What better addition practice than adding up the points and the scores for every word everyone plays. That a lot of math.
    Robert reallly liked to play and we played quite often. A lot of times just me and him. It took some time but he can usually beat me now. If he tries hard enough. He also really needed the extra math practice as it's not a strong subject for him. So there was always the extra bonus of playing with him and getting in some learning practice at the same time. Andrew didn't take to the game as much. He's always been big with having to win since he was very little. A game he was going to have to take some time to learn and understand the best way to get the most points wasn't high on his list of things to do. Emily used to watch Robert and I play a lot and always wanted to join in. Once she was old enough to make her own words we played a few different versions of the game just for her. We'd let her play creating any word she could come up with and placing it anywhere she wanted on the board. The rest of us would work around them sort of playing the correct way. We didn't keep score then but let her write down all the words that everyone made - handwriting practice. More learning.
    The past few games we have played with her recently she has been wanting and ready to keep score. Of course now Jacob is the little sibling wanting to join in and play. Being he can't even read yet it's not easy. He does know his letters though so we humor him and help him create words and teach them to him. He does get sick of it quickly and then we just dump his letters back into the bag and continue on with our game while he finds something else to keep him busy. Keeping score for three people wasn't as much fun as Emily thought it was going to be when she volunteered to do it. We wind up helping her her some or taking over when it becomes too much as the game gets longer. She is learning more about the points and how to play to win big. I think she'll get it quickly and in no time will be able to beat me. I figure eventually she'll beat Rob too, but that will take a lot more time.
    Rob plays very well and always plays to win. When we were dating we had to stop playing Scrabble altogether because it caused too many fights. We are both a bit too competitive and I'm really not a good loser. Yes I can admit that. I've since given up trying to beat him so we could all play as a family. We rarely play just the two of us. Every once in awhile when I'm feeling lucky or know I can take the loss we do. Sometimes drinks are involved and it really doesn't matter. I think I'm good with the words it's finding the best places for maximum points on the board where he royally kicks my butt.
     I'm looking forward to most likely playing tonight with Robert and maybe Andrew too when they get home from their dads. I know Emily will want to play yet again and I'm curious to see how she does against Robert now that she seems to be understanding better how to get more points for her words. She has come up with some great words but we've mostly shown her the best places on the board for them. She has always loved words and used to write down all she could think of in a notebook when she was little. Now she has learned cursive in school she writes everything that way, happy to show off her new talent. I'm so looking forward to her beating her dad at Scrabble that first time. I know she will. She's a quick learner and loves learning. Scrabble may just be played quite a bit here in the next few weeks, or months, or so. 
    

10th Anniversary

    Come this June my husband and I will be married for ten years. As he's been off this week for school break we've been playing with ideas of what to do for our anniversary. We've gotten as far as taking a weekend away for ourselves. My mom will most likely be watching all the kids and seemed excited about it when I threw the possibility out there to her. As for where to go, well, that's supposed to be the fun part right? I'm torn between going back where we've been before-Lake George-the first place he and I ever went away alone by ourselves 12 years ago. We have since taken the kids a few times too. Or, Montauk, where a friend of ours had a house and we went quite a few times while we were dating with and without the boys but always with other people. A few years ago he surprised me with a trip out there just us and it was amazing although we only had one night, maybe 24 hours. Or, going somewhere completely new and different. I usually prefer to stay with what I know and am comfortable and familiar with but I guess after the big trip this summer and seeing how much more there is out there it's like why not use this opportunity for something new?
    We also have to think about cost so that may decide for us no matter what. There have been a few other ideas that have pretty much been swept aside because of the cost. Namely, Atlantic City, where I'd be fine hanging on the boardwalk I think, but know he'd need to at least do a little gambling while we were there. That can always add up fast. I want us both to be happy in what we choose and our budget to stay happy too. I guess the most important part is no matter where we go we'll be there together and make the most of it with each other. I have been doing a lot of searching online for somewhere new and different. I've even asked friends for suggestions on facebook. Still going through and figuring them out. Still looking and thinking something different, somewhere new could be great. Of course as long as it was afoordable. That has been the biggest factor in my looking. I always go straight to rates and know whether or not to go any further then.
     It's that time of year again and I'm re-reading my favorite book "The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks. I've realized it's so much better and more enjoyable to sit and read and become engrossed in the story than it is to listen to an audio while driving. Enjoying this book yet again by reading it and having our anniversary plans coming up I cannot help but think about us in the beginning also. There is a lot of looking back in this story as Wilson and Jane's 30th wedding anniversary is approaching and they prepare for their oldest daughters wedding on the same day. So both Lake George and Montauk hold some incredible memories for us and I've been recalling more and more of them as I read. Nostalgia-wise I think Montauk would win. I worry though that even when Rob says he loves Montauk he thinks more of when there were a lot of people and things going on, and I've even asked if just me would be enough. He really didn't answer. It's ok. I know he needs to be kept busy and moving and doing. I could spend the entire day walking the beach and the town and that would be plenty for me. With that, Lake George would win as there is more to do. Or maybe just a challenge to me to find more for us to do in Montauk than just enjoy the beach.
     Ten years is a nice milestone but we've known each other 16 years come April. Some years of course were better than others, especially early on. We've come a long way and it's been quite a trip. We're real adults with our own crazy family. We're still learning. We're still loving. We're still having lots of fun. I always thought I'd cry on my wedding day the big sap that I am. He had me laughing too much I didn't have the time to wallow in my sap. Although it's been some time since I've seen our wedding video a showing is in order this year and it may just be time to wallow. There's a lot of years there to think about. 

Happy Superbowl

    When I was a kid Superbowl Sunday was pretty much a holiday for us. We had a bunch of people over and had a big party every year. It started with three people. My dad and his two friends, Roy and Jack. They all worked together at Grumman many, many years ago by now. They started a tradition on the 3rd Superbowl ever played. They all got together at my dads house. They've been doing it ever since. They missed only one together when Jack, I believe, was out of the country, possibly in the service. Over the years they all got married and the wives were included. Then of course came the kids and we loved our once a year party.
   In total there were eight of us kids. We made banners and made up shows for our parents. It was a day full of fun. We always got pizza and had plenty of snacks. Then the game was actually on earlier so the men would watch and the women would chat and the kids would play. After the game was over the parents all used to play Trivial Pursuit. Sometimes we kids would watch, sometimes we'd be watching the WWF (as it was then called) Royal Rumble that used to be on after the Superbowl. Now it's on so late there is no doing anything after but sleep and getting the kids ready for school. I remember the pizza used to be ordered at halftime. Now you can certainly be done with dinner well before kick off.
    As I lived with my dad for quite a long time even after I had the boys I was always there for Superbowls. Long after the wives and kids stopped coming because the kids all grew up and went their own directions. But my dad Roy and Jack still got together no matter what. They would barely speak to each other throughout the year sometimes but come Superbowl they're spending the day, or now the evening, together. I don't remember the details of the games I don't even know what number we are up to this year like the guys all do. Which is why I'm not sure if it was the first superbowl after Rob and I moved into our own house that I did not go to my dads. I think it probably was. I'm sure he'll correct me if I'm wrong. That one just so happened to be the Janet Jackson half time wardrobe malfunction game. Even now when I hear about it again I still remember how I wasn't there to see how the guys reacted to it. And boy can I imagine how great their reactions would have been. That would be the one I missed. Needless to say I've gone back every year since. Someitmes Rob comes, sometimes he doesn't. I usually have the kids with me no matter what as it's fun for them too whether they watch the game or just play at Grandpa's house.
    Tradition will be upheld for yet another year come Sunday. I'm very much looking forward to it. So are my kids. There has been a fourth added to the original male threesome some years ago. John is Roys' oldest daughters boyfriend. Has been for some time now so he's been coming with Roy. He works in a deli or catering place and now brings hero's. No more pizza. There are still plenty of snacks. And of course now I'm allowed to have some of the alcohol. Last year my dad even asked what to get for me and my sisters and Roys' girls who were joining the party again for the first time in a long time. What we might like to drink. It was a little surreal. The kids, or us girls had our own little reunion of sorts last year thanks to Facebook. Well really my sister who bumped into one of Roys daughters and then started talking more and made the Superbowl plans on Facebook. So now we can all see what we're up to once again on Facebook. Though I have no idea if any of them are coming on Sunday.
     Rob and I recently started talking more and more about the mortality of our parents. Not fun, but it is reality. Though I don't believe my dad is going anywhere anytime soon, or my other Superbowl dads, you never know. I won't miss Superbowl no matter what anymore just incase. I had a weird feeling about it this year. The dads first watched Superbowl was the only one the Jets ever played in. I believe anyway. With the Jets coming very close to making it in again I was very paranoid. I had an overwhelming feeling that if they did this could very well be the last Superbowl they watched together. Don't ask me why it's just a feeling. Now, they didn't make it and it may not matter whether they did or didn't. But time will tell on that one. I'm not sure what would happen if one were gone. Would the others still get together or would it be too weird? It's too tough for me to pictue a superbowl without my dad, Roy and Jack. I think I'll just keep looking forward to Sunday and ignore the rest. 

Six Months

    That's how long it's taken me to be ok with where I am in life right now. I went into my old library the other day and didn't feel the least bit sad or upset walking in or walking out. It was great to see everyone and though I couldn't chat too long, as I had the little ones with me, I did make a few stops and do a bit of catching up. It felt really good. And as they complained about the same crap going on I just felt indifferent and sorry that they were still stuck dealing with it. I feel something better is coming along, or already has.
   I've realized I'm finally doing what I always wanted to be doing, always planned, or thought I'd be doing. In a way. Sort of. My life plan was; get married, have kids, stay home with them and write. So, it went this way instead; have kids, get a job, get married, have more kids, babysit other peoples' kids, lose job, stay home and write while watching my kids and the extras. In a round about way I'm doing what I wanted. And I think I've finally made peace with that. Sure I miss the money, sometimes a lot more than others. Sure I miss adult conversations, sometimes a lot more than others. But I've decided to be happy and enjoy being where I am. And to finally try giving my writing my all.
    Last year I helped a friend by editing/proofreading his book. I enjoyed it immensely. He self published it and seeing my name there in print only as a thank you in his book was a boost and kick in the behind. If he could why couldn't I? Another friend recently was looking for an editor for her novel she's not quite finished yet. Even though I hold no degree I told her I'd love to go over it and read it if she wanted. She did and I'm having a great time going through it. I learned she'd never wanted to write, her story came from a dream and she just had to write it out. She's only been at it less than a year. Again another kick in the ass to me. Look what she's done! So I'm editing and writing and blogging. Let's not forget babysitting, taking care of house and home and baking too when I get an order. I'm also preparing for library clerk tests, because a real job I can count on isn't a bad thing to have if I can get one that works for me and the family. That is of course when I finish my novel and it never gets published. But I guess if I figure that's what will happen and prepare for it at least I'll be ok with it.
    I also realized when I put myself out there as an editor again that when I was younger, reading constantly, I used to send letters to the publishers of books I had found mistakes in. I had completely forgotten all about that. Had I kept it up and pushed myself maybe I'd be a "real" editor or somewhere in the publishing industry, who knows. Again though, that's not what happened. I'm here keeping busy, but most of all keeping happy.

Snow Removal

   It's all over the news here how this January is the snowiest month we've ever had since they started keeping records. We've had about a storm a week. Snow has covered the ground for over a month. Many people haven't been able to take their Christmas decorations down because of it. So glad I ran out there when I did on the day before one of the bigger snow storms we had and got them all down. Sure I had to dig a little through the snow to get the wires out but that was only 2-3 inches. Now we've got double covering the ground. I really don't mind all the snow as long as I don't have to drive in it.

   I've never had a problem shoveling it all. It gets me out of the house on the cold days and into the sun if it's shining. It forces me to get some exercise in. I just feel better when my car, driveway, and walkway are all cleared off, just incase I have to go somewhere. I am lucky that my boys are old enough to be forced to help do some of the cleaning. It makes it quicker and I don't have to do it all. It wouldn't be all that bad if I had too. I learned from my dad that it's ok to not do it all at once, take breaks, come in and go back out to it as often as you need too, as long as it gets done. So when I take my first break I send someone else out. Even my husband. Especially now since he complained about the job the boys had done after one storm but I realized later he didn't once pick up a shovel and do any clean up on that one himself. No more. I grew up with my dad shoveling out everything for everyone else in the house before he left in the early am. Rob leaves about the same time but doesn't do the clean up. It used to bug the crap out of me but by now I've gotten used to it.
   We have a Saturn Relay, a big van/suv type thing, so it's high. I do not use that as an excuse to leave all the snow on top to fly off into someone else when I drive it. I climb up on that sucker and knock off all of it. Or make the kids. It makes me crazy seeing the amount of lazy people that can't be bothered doing this. Maybe they don't care. Maybe they've never been behind someone as inconsiderate as themselves and have to deal with it. They're attempting to make it a law that you have to clear off the snow. I doubt it'll happen and even if it does it'll be like cell phones that we all still use in the car. Of course the law on that states you cannot be pulled over just for being on the phone. They have to get you on something else first and then can nab you with the phone.

   Dropping off Jake at school earlier I was behind one of these lovely people. She actually turned into the school also. I assumed a teacher coming back from lunch as she had no child to drop off. Shouldn't she know better? There were quite a lot of cars, check that, vans and suvs mostly, in the school parking lot with snow covering their roofs. As I left the lot I thought how much fun it would have been to leave little notes on each of their windsheilds saying to clean it off and how rude and selfish they were to other drivers! I did not go back and do this but I may next time. Just seems like too much fun. As long as no one sees me doing it.

    On my way home I watched in disbelief as a car dealership, Generation Kia on Rte 112, was plowing out their parking lot and putting the snow into the middle of Rte 112! I had passed the pile on the way and wondered how in the world it had gotten there. Now I knew. And it really pissed me off. I thought how we pay all these taxes for the town to clean the road of snow and they had done a good job and here these losers were putting it back. Freaking Ridiculous! I had to call someone. I called the town catch all number and was told that Rte 112 is a state road and given the states' phone number. The guy also told me though that in the town of Brookhaven there is no law, ordinance, or anything that says you can't plow your snow into the middle of the road after it's been plowed! So you want to throw your snow onto the nice plowed road we all paid to have cleaned; go for it. There's nothing to stop you. Of course you won't win over your neighbors I'm sure, but hey there are a lot of selfish people out there that don't care for anyone but themselves. You know who they are by the snow covering their car roofs.

    I did not call the State DOT. I figured if the town didn't have anything there wasn't a real good chance the state would. How gross. What a waste of money and what and incredible act of rudeness. I know I'll never go there for a car and I hope that anyone who reads this won't either. Do the right thing when it comes to the snow people. Yeah we're all pretty sick of it but that little extra effort won't kill you. That chunk of ice flying off your car could.

Praise

     A few weeks ago my mother-in-law was telling me how much she loved my blog. What she thought about certain entries and how much she enjoyed reading them. She went on and on for a bit my husband was worried something was wrong we were getting along so well. This came a few weeks after her admitting to me that she was reading it. She wasn't sure how I'd feel about it, felt like she was stalking it and needed to come clean. I had figured she was already reading it once I knew my sister-in-law was. If I'm choosing to put it all out there for anyone and everyone I can't exactly try to keep people from reading it. That sort of defeats the purpose of even doing this. I wouldn't go so far as to say she is my ideal reader, what I envisioned when I started this, but I certainly don't mind. How could I not when she's one of the few consistantly telling me what she likes about it and to "keep writing."
    I do not take criticism well. Not at all. I'm quite hard on myself when it comes to my writing which is why when I first started this years ago I didn't even edit my posts, figuring I'd hate them and never publish anything. Of course editing is all a part of the writing process and if I wanted this to be any good, or worth reading I needed to suck it up and do it right. I get discouraged easily, like when I found out my husband wasn't even reading them. It hurt a lot and I figured if he didn't even care what I had to say why bother? Eventually I got over that, realizing that he's stuck listening to what I have to say here at home all the time.  There is such a thing as too much. Even as paranoid a person as I am I still don't facebook-stalk him every day, more like every other week or so.
     I don't exactly have the best drive to keep me going, I guess. It comes and goes which is why I disappear for a week or two here and there on you guys. I get discouraged easily and give up for awhile. But being writing is such a passion I always seem to come back. Praise or no praise, because sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. Checking my stats and seeing someone is checking my page once a day no matter what even when I've been neglecting it makes me feel I need to get my act together and give them something new.
     In high school a friend and I planned to try out for the talent show. She had written a song and we were singing it together. I will never forget being at her house sitting at the piano practicing this song with her. When we finished her mom, dad, and even her little brother clapped for us and told us how well they thought we did. I was amazed. I never had this kind of treatment from anyone in my family before. Her whole family appreciated what we had done and showed it. It felt great. I still can't forget that feeling there in her house that day. And to this day I still know had we been in my house instead we'd have been made fun of.
    Everyone grows up different with different experiences and when I think about stuff like this I hope I'm praising my kids enough. I know I don't as I learned much better how to be critical. But I'm trying and that's all I can do. I know how much priase means to me. When I first left my job and started this blog I got comments and emails from people that made me feel good. For awhile I had them taped up by my desk to remind me. At one of my low points awhile ago I took them all down. I did not toss them of course but put them away somewhere. Words are so powerful and I have to remind myself of that more and more when talking to my kids.
     I'm trying to change but I know my mother cannot or will not. I don't contact her as much as I should. I've distanced myself over the years somewhat, feeling it in my best interest. I shudder to think what she would have to say if she was a reader of my blog. Thankfully she does not even own a computer and has no intention of doing so, probably ever. One of my sisters knows about it but I don't think she's a dedicated reader. The other sister and my brother may know and may read but I have no clue. Same goes for my dad but he's never been much of a talker so he'd probably never tell me. It's my choice to put it out there. It's my choice to write. It's my time. It's yours too, if you choose to spend it reading my words.
   Oh, and if you're wondering my friend and I didn't make it into the talent show but still being able to hear her family clapping for us is plenty good enough for me.

Attack of the Zombies

    After Christmas we took the desk and computer out of Jake's room. It was too big and bulky; the desk, too old and slow; the computer. It was a waste of space and for a four and a half year old the space is better used filled with his toys. There is plenty of time for desks with computers. Jake also hardly played it and when he did it was a pain because it was old and slow the games he wanted took forever to work if they did even work. Out it went. I figured it was no big thing because he mostly used my laptop here downstairs anyway when he wanted to play. Then came the Zombies!    I'm not sure when my husband first started playing this game called "Plants Vs. Zombies." I do know he seemed to play it all the time. He'd bring his laptop all around the house with him, check him email, do some work, and then play the Zombie game. I made fun of it, but that was about it. Then Christmas break he was home with the kids and I and played probably everyday. I made fun, Emily made fun. Jacob started watching him play, Emily started watching him play. They had plenty of toys to play with and didn't care much about the game then. As the toys and everything else Christmas got put away they watched Rob play more and more and more. That eventually led to him leting them play too. He'd get home from work and Jake would bug Daddy to play the Zombie game because it was only on his computer. Not for long.
     Robert bought the game for his XBox 360. I figured Jake would now bug him about it playing. Didn't happen. Instead, Daddy got the Plants Vs. Zombies game on everyones' computer who wanted it. Mine, Emilys, and Andrews. So now five people in five different rooms could be playing the same silly game! I thought it was crazy but didn't care because it would be easier for Jake to play. Although I now had to try it to see what all the fuss was about. Also, Jake began to bug me to play it and help him and I didn't have a clue what to do so I had to learn. And we all became addicted. We'd check out who got what plants to see who was further in the game. Who had beaten what type of Zombie and crazy stuff like that. Daddy had long ago finished it so he didn't count but he knew a lot about it and helped everyone play.
    Jacob even learned how to turn on the computer and start up the game himself. One morning he was downstairs playing on my laptop before I even got out of bed. We have a baby gate keeping the dog in the kitchen/dining room area at night. Jake can't open it, but when I came down that morning his brothers had locked him in and left for school. Jake was in Zombie world and didn't really care, of course.
     I'd finally had it with Jake and the game. I was rarely getting on the computer because whenever I was able to he was there. Sure I could have kicked him off but it wasn't worth the hassle at the time. I took the laptop upstairs one night and kept it there figuring he wouldn't be able to get on until I did the next day. With the business of the morning and all the stuff I need (and like) to get done before I touch the computer it's just easier to let him play for awhile so I can get my stuff done. He looked for the computer at my desk and when it wasn't there said he was going up to get it. I laughed thinking there was no way he'd unplug it and bring it down when he found it in my room. How wrong I was! Not much later I heard him slowing walking down the stairs. The tell tale sound of the cord dragging down the steps with him. I couldn't believe it I had to laugh.
     Last night Jake let the dog eat some of his dinner so I told him no more computer for the night. Then Rob and I tried to watch a movie and he bugged and bugged me about playing. Finally I made a new deal he could play now if he didn't play at all today. I knew it wouldn't last but I am at least here first getting something done. Finally! His first question when he got up this morning was of course about playing the computer. When I reminded him about the deal he said, "I knew it!" And huffed out of the room. He has only been up an hour and I have no idea how many times he's already asked about the computer. I'm working on finding a happy medium between us and sharing the computer. So, more deals may be in the works. I'm happy I've finally gotten to blog here again as it's been way too long. But next up for me is to use the tv and exercise. To get him out of there I may just let him have a turn here on the computer. Provided I get a lot more turns in, as I should every day, and feel at least somewhat productive. In the meantime, Zombies are not my friends. I will not play until I've caught up and gotten in my writing each day. Unless of course I have to help Jake with his game. ;)

The Mall

    As the words, "I hate the mall" were coming out of my mouth while we were there on Saturday I knew they weren't really true. I was just quite frustrated and roasting at the moment. They certainly crank the heat in there and I had forgotten that. Too many years ago, my girlfriend and I would go to work with her mother and spend the entire day at the mall. Very convenient when she worked at Sears. With the right people I'm sure I could wile away many hours there still. With my entire family like on Saturday, not so much.
    My boys are old enough they could head out on their own and have a good time. With just Jake or just Emily I'm good. I only have to focus on one. Since their interests are quite different now both together is no picnic. Forget about looking at anything I might want to see my head already spinning in two oppsite directions it's safer to not go for three. Emily is reaching an age where she's into the mall. It's fun just to look and see everything even if you don't have the money to buy it.
    I guess that's why my friend and I could spend eight hours there and not get bored. Although then there was a movie theatre we'd usually go see something in and eat up about two hours. We'd play with all the pets in the petstore we could get our hands on. I even bought a kitten and brought it home once. My mom wasn't thrilled but we kept him. There were two toy stores to have fun and play in. And an arcade too. There were record stores we could spend lots of time in. As you can still do we would just hang out on a bench and look for hot guys, or people watch. If we wanted to be more comfortable we'd go to the furniture departments of the major stores and hang out there on some comfy chairs until they kicked us out. We'd go to PZAZ, the dressy dress store no longer in the mall, and try on a whole bunch of things. Of course there were many places we did that. And don't forget about hanging in the food court and getting a little something here and there and there that sort of made up a good lunch. We'd call friends from the payphones that probably don't even exist there anymore, to see if they could come down too. Or anyone we could think of just to kill some time and have fun. We knew every inch of the place as we were there quite often with her mom. It was alwyas a great day.
     I could spend a decent about of time there with Emily now looking around at all the clothing stores and things she's getting more into. The really sucky part of course is not being able to buy what she wants most of the time. We usually go there when she's got money to spend. Usually a gift card from someone for Christmas or her Birthday which is what brought us there partly on Saturday.
   Trying to help her pick out nice clothes and stuff she needs, or could use, is always fun. I'm learning what her taste and style is compared to my own so I never buy her something she doesn't like. I always hated getting things I knew I'd never wear. Nothing ever got returned so I never got anything better or that I wanted unless I used my own money those days at the mall. I don't want her to have to return anything I've chosen. I want to know her better than that.
    As I showed her things Saturday I made mental notes of the ones she liked and especially of the ones she didn't. She of course was focused on the toys in the store while I kept pulling her away to show her clothes.  Almost everything she did get I had shown her but there were plenty of other things I showed her she did not like. The outfit she picked and bought I was surprised about. Although her new favorite color is aqua-marine and that may just be why she chose the outfit she did because it is her favorite color.
     I never really took my older boys to the mall. It wasn't easy because there were always the two of them and again two different tastes and directions to go in. I also didn't have the money to spend there. I still don't but now remember how it's fun to go. And as long your buying something on sale, you can do ok. Jacob it's still all about the toys and fun stuff and every once in awhile likes the clothes. There really isn't any point to taking him there unless I want to go. Emily it's completely different. And yes probably because she is a girl. She gets the gift cards to shop, the boys never did, jake probably won't. She's into clothes and what she wears and how she looks. I'm having a lot of fun helping her pick out things to wear and get ready in the morning. Let's face it boy clothes just isn't fun. And boys themselves don't really get it or care. 
    Maybe it's a little adult playing doll dress up. But I never cared much what she wore before. It was what we could afford or what she got as cute presents mostly. There wasn't a lot of "Oh thats so cute! I have to get it for my little girl" going on. In fact there was none. I barely looked at anything else in the store except for what I needed and was there to buy.  Now there finally (sort of) can be and will be. But of course not just for her. Jacob is obsessed with the movie "Despicable Me" and loves the minions from it. I HAD to get him a shirt with them on it when I saw it in Target today. Just HAD TO. He was so excited when he came home from school and saw it. I knew he would be. He screamed about it and had to wear it for a bit until we convinced him to take it off and wear to school tomorrow.
    As I got older I went to the mall more with groups of friends to meet boys and hang out. Of course we still shopped and checked out the stores. And eventually got dresses from PZAZ for proms which made trying the dresses on there even more exciting. We were never there for eight hours though. Yet we still loved every minute of it. I'm sure Emily will want to hang out at the mall as she gets older too. I'm sure my husband won't like it but she'll certainly be allowed to. It's totally a girl thing. Although, I do remember plenty of boys hanging out there though I've no clue how much shopping they did.
    I hope Emily and I will get to have plenty of trips to the mall, just us, to enjoy being girls. Thats part of what a mom is for right? Funny, I never liked going to the mall with my mom. Loved it with my friends, never my mom. Maybe because I had sisters that always came too? Who knows. I just hope Emily enjoys going with me as much and as long as I do with her (probably forever). We've only had a handful of solo trips so far but she's still little yet and so far so good.   

Your Stuff

     You could buy your kid every toy in the world and they'd wind up sitting stored in a closet or under the bed and hardly ever played with. When your kid goes to a friends house and they have the same toy it's like a prize. They'll play with it all day and fight with their best friend over it too. It's always better when it's someone elses. It's ten times better when other people are interested in it too. Then everyone wants it. If it's something your kid doesn't have and because they loved it so much you eventually get it for them it will never be as good as the one at their friends house. Never. I think most moms know this.
     No one grows out of this. Why do you think we have such a saying as "keeping up with the jones'?" You always want what you have not got no matter how old you are. Or at the very least you want to check out and play with what you haven't got. We all get sick of our own stuff. That's why America is such a great land of consumers, and full of garbage. Everything gets tossed and replaced over and over again. Usually with something supposedly better, usually shinier and newer too. Of course that isn't always the way, yet we keep doing it. Its ingrained in us.
     I'm a nosy son of a gun. I've got no problem admitting it. I like being invited into your home to check out what you've got. I do not care how clean your place is. Sure I may notice those cobwebs up in the corner of your family room, but they're quickly forgotten as I scan the rest of the place. I know I am not alone in this or shows like Hoarders and Storage Wars wouldn't do so well. What kind of neat stuff do you have hanging around your place? We've all got something. And different people will be interested in different things. What's that hanging on your wall over there a piece of fine art or something one of your kids made? Sometimes its tough to tell.
     I was really surprised when at my Dads last week he put on Storage Wars and seemed to like it as much as I did. He then introduced me to another show called American Pickers on the History channel. His favorite channel that I never turn on. It was great. These guys drive around America picking through all those crazy peoples houses. You know the ones, piled high with what looks to be garbage mostly. They certainly find some neat stuff. Very entertaining. Especially if you like seeing other peoples stuff. It's amazing what people keep and save. Go take a crawl through your attic or crawlspace, what have you squirreled away? Anything that great? What would other people think about it? Why the heck did you even save it?
     Next enter your home like a stranger, what stands out to you? Anything fun and interesting? Plain blah walls with flower prints? Bright colors? Pictures of your kids? From your wedding? What can I learn about you from those pictures? What would you think? I've talked about my decorating scheme. I think my house is fun. How would you describe yours? What might your friends say about it when you're not around? I'm sure plenty of people think I'm a little nutty with all my Garfields. I certainly got that vibe off Andrews girlfriends mom when she came to pick her up. Oops. But it's me and I'm certainly not trying to hide who I am or what I like? Are you? Is your stuff?

 

Wedding Albums

     While un-decorating yesterday I had to climb up to reach to take some things down. While I was up there I took down my wedding album. You know those great big books all us married people have. We spent a whole bunch of money on this great book of pictures for our special day. How often do you really take it down or drag it out to look at? Seriously? Probably not even once a year. There was so much dust on mine. I'm sure it hasn't been moved since I placed it there, on the top of my huge bookcase in the living room, since that room became the living room, about 3 years ago.
     Now I don't think any of us are going to forget our wedding day. These pictures in these albums won't necessarily bring up other memories of the day as say candids might. Which is why I have two albums. One was all the professional shots. The other is all the candids everyone took at the reception with the cameras on their tables. It's those pictures that when I look at I remember the stories, either first hand or how it was told to me after asking about the photo. It was my wedding after all and there was plenty going on that I missed.
    I'm not thrilled with how I look in my wedding album. That, I'm sure, keeps me from looking at it more. I was heavier then than I am now. Sure only about 25lbs heavier by now. But a few years ago it was 55. Just knowing that fact annoys me. I want to get back there. Seeing me even heavier does not help the self image much you know. But I flipped through the pages of my book a bit and thought how I'd have to take it down when the kids were home from school next time. They'd surely get a kick out of seeing it. As I write that I'm not sure Emily or Jake have ever seen it at all. The boys of course were there for it but who knows what and how they remember it.
     My album also reminds me of before I ever even had it made. In recognition of my upcoming nuptuals the women I worked with at the library thought it'b be fun if they all brought in their own albums. I'm not even sure who came up with the idea, but it was a great one! It caught on like wildfire. For a good few weeks in the spring of 2001 the library break room was covered in wedding albums. We did try to keep them away from the table and anyone eating. We had so much fun trying to figure out whose album was whose. Many were 20 or more years old. Boy can people change. Although some were easily figured out others were quite hard. The styles of dress and hair were just so much fun to see from the different times. And the types of wedding. Whether formal or informal eveyone still had an album of pictures. How could you not? I'll never forget how much fun it was looking at everyone elses' albums. I liked it and remembered it often enough that I'd hoped to try to get them to do it again this year for my 10th wedding anniversary. Guess I won't be getting that chance.
     I keep my album in it's box up high and safe. I don't want it to be wrecked or ruined. Maybe once there really are no more babies in this house on an almost daily basis it'll come out for show more often. Or at least be moved to a more accessible place for more possible viewings. It was a good happy day. No matter what size my dress was. One that shouldn't be tucked neatly away in a box in the corner of a room. Marriage certainly isn't. Why should the wedding, what started it all, be. Besides remembering that perfect day (how you got to where you are with that person there beside you) may help you on those not so perfect days.

Un-Decorating

     As soon as my turkey is finished I can't wait to decorate the house for Christmas. We have a ton of stuff. I know some people see it as work every year but I love it. I like pulling out some things I've had since I was a kid that I can now decorate my own house with. We have tons of things the kids have made from school.  Jacob is adding to the collection now. I have a stocking I made from first grade. This year I hung it and all the other stockings the kids have made over the years in one spot on my china closet. I was so excited when Jake brought one home from school to add to the collection. My husband is the only one who doesn't have a stocking. I figure the beginning of December next year I'll have the kids help him make one.
    With Facebook now you can find out more of what people do. This year I was surprised by how many people posted about taking down the tree and putting all their stuff away just a day or two after Christmas. I would never. Part of the fun of Christmas is leaving the tree up to enjoy with the toys underneath and the aftermath of destrcution from the kids. I could just sit there in the evening with it lit and relax looking at it. Although I probably did that more mornings than evenings as I'm the early riser. It's still one of the best parts of the holidays. The quiet of the evening(or morning) and the lights of the tree.
     This school vacation when everyone else was home with me was great. Maybe the nice snow storm helped but we stayed in and vegged together quite a lot. I enjoyed that very much. But as with back to school reality comes un-decorating reality. I start slow. I always do. It's definitely not as much fun cleaning it up and putting it all away as it is taking it out. First is usually all the paper decorations from the windows and the rest of the house. It becomes much lighter inside as much more light can get through the windows. But as more and more things come down off the walls and everywhere else the house just feels empty. Of course it is not. It's just there's so much more up and around in my house during the month of December. It takes a little getting used to again after it all being up for a month.
     It's probably good I'm always broke after Christmas or I'd have a lot more decorations. I could go out and buy on clearance every year. I've gotten better with throwing away the old wrecked up stuff. I never used to throw anything away. Now I realize there's no point in keeping it no matter how attatched I am. There's always plenty more stuff to get or that is given to me to decorate with. I may have to go visit my dad to make sure he doesn't still have this little tree we used to have. Jake really wanted his own tree in his room. Couldn't get him one, and as I've been taking things down he's holding onto ornaments and decorating the dogs cage and other things with them. I have to wait until he goes to school to take them back and put them away. So maybe next year he'll have a little tree all his own to decorate.
     Right now I have a naked tree in my living room. I let Jake turn it on for the last time this morning. When I told him it may be the last time all he said was, "awwww." I un-decorated it while he was gone and now just have to take it down. I'll get there later I don't think I could wait until tomorrow. It's too sad looking at it this way. I always say I'd like to have a real tree because I've never had one. With a real tree though there's no way I could have it up as long as I like to. Yet I keep hearing how great they are and how you can't beat the smell. Maybe I'll just get a wreath or something instead. Or a scented candle like my girlfriends uses instead. One of these days. Maybe when I don't have the kids around to help me do to all the decorating I won't be as excited about it. Only time will tell. But for now I've still got plenty more to take down and put in the attic for another 10-11 months. Sounds long but it always gets here quick.

Skiing

    I have never been skiing. I'm not even good at any of it on video games. I don't think I will ever go. The lifts themselves make me nervous. I've been on those as rides at theme parks. Not very often. I cannot say I like them at all. The boys have learned to ski and enjoy it with their dad. He takes them a lot on weekends. The past few years as they've gotten older and better at it he's gotten them more equipment. It seems they go every other weekend when he has them now it's winter. I don't like it very much. I pretty much just put it out of my mind. Otherwise I'd make myself crazy.
    There are many skiing accidents you hear about this time of year. People get hurt, break limbs, and even get killed. There was a story very recently about a man crashing into a woman and her daughter on a mountain in Maine. The man and girl were killed. The woman I beleive is still critical. Maybe thats why it's more in my mind now as my boys have been off skiing this whole weekend. I got a call a few hours ago saying they were on their way home so I know we're all good. At least for this weekend.
    I really don't know much of anything about skiing. How? What you need? And what you should have to be safe. The reports about the accident said something about noone wearing a helmet. I'm guessing one's not required by law like they are for bike riding now. Wondering if that'll change for skiing soon too. And if it's good or bad. I know I grew up riding a bike without a helmet. I know I make my little ones wear their helmets when they are learning to ride. After that I don't so much. I also don't make the boys wear them now they are 16. It seems silly. Yet I may be all for it with skiing. Probably because I don't know about it. What you don't know scares you more than what you do know.
     When the boys get home later I probably won't get much of a chance to talk to them about their trip much less skiing in general. I'll have to play on the internet and learn some more about it when they're in school tomorrow. After school I'll talk with them some. I usually don't even ask for too many details about where they are going skiing. They've been to quite a few different mountains in the area. Some I've heard of, some I have no clue about. I'll be doing some more research from now on. I hope their father has taught them well but I also don't trust him. That helps scare me even more. You can see why I just put it out of my mind. It's easier for me and them. I don't lose it and get crazy and say things like they shouldn't go. Sure I want to, to protect my babies who are no longer babies anymore.
     And that's the fun reality of being a mom. My babies are old enough to go out and do something I've never even tried. I don't want to. They know much more about it than I do. It's great that they've been able to go out and learn to love something I couldn't show them. But it still cuts that I didn't. They are their own people, growing up. Time goes by way too fast.

Attitude Adjustment 2011

    Last night was the first new years my big boys were not home with me. Yes they are 16 and could very well have been out to parties and what not the past few years but they have not. This year since it was a weekend they left with their father in the early evening. I was not happy about this at all but what can you do. I was also not happy in general as I've been of late. It was looking to be a sucky new year just as the end of 2010 had ben for me. Jake was playing wii. Em was on the computer. My husband was on his computer. Good times. I went upstairs for a bit and just sat feeling sorry for myself in Roberts room. Maybe 20 minutes in Jake came looking for me. He felt reassured when he found me and went back to playing. I felt like I needed to do something.
   So we didn't have the money to go out. Or a babysitter for that matter. We could still get dressed up and have a good time right? Why the hell not? Well unless I couldn't even fit in a dress, which was a worry with all the damn cookies around my house lately not much is fitting. I needed a big boost and getting dressed up even if I had no where to go sounded fun. I locked myself in the upstairs bathroom and prettied myself up. I painted my nails put on some make-up and curled my hair. Then I got my dress and called Emily upstairs.
     I brought her in on my plan and she looked at me like I was nuts. "Why are we getting dressed up if we aren't going anywhere?" She wasn't going to go along with me at first and I thought, "oh great now i feel like a fool." Eventually I convinced her with all the fun girly things we could do to get dressed up. We straightened her hair but she didn't want any make up on. Really she just wanted to make the confetti to throw around I told her we'd do after we got dressed up. Jake had come in and out a few times and we put him in his cute little boy suit we had gotten him for Christmas. Emily had picked out a sparkly red dress from last year that still fit but had sleeves so was warmer to wear.
     I felt sort of funny walking downstairs past my husband vegging on the couch in his comfy t-shirt and shorts. Emily thought it funny he didn't notice as soon as we walked by that we were dressed up. I told her to go in and tell him to get dressed up for new years too. She did. And then a few more times without my coaxing. He finally went up and changed. We put on the radio. Emilys favorite station WBLI and cut up our confetti. Then the kids danced and raced around awhile. We flipped around the tv channels that had times square coverage. They threw some confetti around a little early. Not much though. And we had to keep it in the living room with the dog blocked out or he'd eat it.
    Jake didn't quite make it to midnight. He was down at 11:35 saying, "I just want to sleep." We tried to wake him. We threw confetti at him. Emily thought it hysterical when she nailed me in the face with it. Glad I had my glasses on. Rob didn't seem too into it. Asked who was cleaning it up. Gee, duh, must be me in the morning, since you're never up first. Unless you're leaving for work. I much prefer confetti to his idea of banging pots and pans. Maybe that why he wasn't into it. We called the boys to say Happy New Year. I called one of their phones with the house phone and the others with my cell and had one in each ear at the same time so it was great.
    The confetti reminded me of when I was a teenager and had new years parties in my basement. We had tons of confetti then and were cleaning it up and finding it in fun places months after. It got everywhere. I needed some of that back and got it with the kids last night. It was fun even if it was just us. And even if I'll be finding some of our confetti months from now in crazy places. Although I do intend to have a party next year. Cheap cut up construction paper and all! And everytime I find a piece I'll be reminded of the fun we had no matter who joins us.
'