Dreams

     For our big cross country trip this summer we borrowed a car top carrier from my sister in law. She had a baby in May and wasn't going to be using it. We got back the last day of July. All of August it stayed on top of the car. No one was in any rush to take it off. No one would be needing it. September came and it was still on the car. I was taking Jake back and forth to preschool with it still on. Last week all six of us were going to the Yankee game. I knew we would have to take the van. I knew I wanted to top off the car. I hoped my husband would bring it to his sisters and take it off. That would have been easiest. She was away the weekend he may have had a chance to go.
     Two days before the game I had a dream that someone stole it off the car while we were at the game. Yeah, I know it's not very likely to happen. Still it bothered me. In all the games my husbands been to, I was the one with him the time his car was broken into. I was paranoid something would happen to the car while we were at the game. Whether it had to do with the car topper or something else. And being there with all the kids I really didn't want anything to happen. I guess I felt with the top on it our car was a good target or something. I text my husband about the dream and he said we'd take it off that night if it would make me feel better. That night came and went.
     The next day I took the damn thing off by myself. It wasn't easy but I felt better. My mind was at ease. We went to the game and all was fine. Now before you start thinking I'm nuts let me tell you another story...
     My husband and I did not have a typical wedding. We took a bus load of people with us to Yankee Stadium and were married there in a private room. We then attended the game. No limos for us. We hired a bus to take all of us and bring us back. A few weeks before the wedding I dreamed that after the game we could not find the bus to take us home. We came out of the stadium after the game and walked around looking for the bus that was supposed to be there. It was not and of course I was upset about it. I told my soon to be husband about it at the time and he assured me it would be fine. Well, he was wrong.
    In reality we left the stadium after the game and the bus was not where it was supposed to be. I was pissed and upset. And sort of freaked that I had dreampt about it and it happened. Sure we didn't walk around the stadium a few times looking for the bus like in my dream. My husband ran up a few blocks to look where he thought it would be and it was. Thankfully. We still had to search for it but not long. We still had to walk around to get the the car that should have been right there to pick me up after my wedding. I believe they closed the street the bus was supposed to be on waiting for us so he could not be there. That really doesn't matter to me. Somebody should have known better. I guess I did but didn't know how to fix it. I dreamed it and it happened. And from now on I'm always a little extra paranoid and cautious when it comes to reality and my dreams.

Guidance!

     Ok after sitting here with Andrew filling out his SAT application online for over half an hour I need to Bitch! Especially since we can't finish the application until he gets a code from his guidance counselor. That would be the same smart woman who told him to go online to register at home. Too bad we can't do that until he has that code! Let me back track a little for you here...
     Becasue of Andrews PDD diagnosis and extra schooling early on he still has modifications to his schooling. The only thing he still gets is extra time for tests. He is permitted to have time and a half for all his tests should he need it. Every year since he has been in school I have had to attend an IEP or now its called 504 meeting. This is to make sure the mods. whatever they may be are still working and still needed. Needless to say he had a lot of mods. in the beginning of his school career and is now down to just this one. They have told me many times to just keep it as it's there if he needs it but does not have to use it. To try and get it back after giving it up is a lot harder they say.
     At this years meeting I was told they could apply for his extra test modification to also be used on the SAT. I thought "great", any advantage he could have should be used. The funny thing is, it was his Social Studies teacher who told me about it NOT his guidance counselor! And shouldn't she have said something about this when he signed up and took the PSAT last year?? Anyway the paperwork got started the next day thanks to Andrews teachers who were at the meeting. No thanks to the guidance counselor. Andrew brought home a sheet for me to sign requesting the extra time for the test a week or so ago. Today he told me that the guidance counselor told him that the extra time was approved. She also told him to go online to the college board website to register for the test.
     Of course this was what we were just doing as the test is coming up in November and the registration deadline is in early October. And we were plugging away, me hating every minute of it because the tediousness of all the forms just makes me crazy. I even complained outloud about how long it was taking to my husband and said how it sucks but of course I'm doing it for Andrew. I'm doing it, but I'm allowed to complain about doing it. So we're nearing the end and we get to the part about the approval number for the modifications. Boy did I get pissed. I went off. How could the guidance counselor, who is supposed to know what she's doing to help my son, tell him to get online and fill out the form without the approval number. After going off quite loudly to my husband about the stupid counselor I went back to the form and attempted to finish. I checked yes for the modifications and left the approval number blank. Of course I could not continue as I needed to fill in that number. The computer told me so nicely at the top of the page. So I printed that page with the pretty message on top for Andrew to show he's smart guidance counselor. The one who said he wouldn't need the number, I found out after my loud bitching session. Unbelievable!
     I don't know if he'll even show her the page when he goes to get the number from her tomorrow. I'd throw it in her face but he'll probably ask nicely and tell her we couldn't fill out the form without it. If I could call now to get on her case I would. Too bad it's after school hours. Sure I could call tomorrow but I figure I'll give Andrew the chance to straighten things out. If he can't get to guidance tomorrow than I will call the next day. That should be some fun.
     I know part of my hatred for guidance counselors comes from my own wonderful experience with mine. I never got any help or guidance from my parents. We never talked about my future or what I wanted to do with my life. We barely talked at all actually. It was up to me. What the Hell did I know at 17? I certainly wasn't thinking about my future and what I'd be doing for the rest of my life.
     I had my required meeting with my guidance counselor junior year of high school. She asked what I wanted to do. I wasn't sure. She gave me this test that would show where my interests lie and what area might be good for me. I took it home and filled it out. She told me she'd score it and then we'd go over it together. I never talked to the woman again. She never called me down. Never said another word. Never! I was having fun being a teenager. I didn't think about her actions until later. Sure some of it's my fault, some of it's my parents, and some is hers too. It still ticks me off. If she had called me down. If we had talked about it. If she had told me about student loans who knows where I'd be. I wanted to go away to college. I didn't think I could. I didn't know how.
     Not that where I am now is a bad place. But I'm sure life would be a lot different. Maybe money-wise a lot easier. I'd loved books since I was a kid. If someone had told me about becoming a librarian to be around those books... If I had ever even had that idea in my head early on... If someone had talked to me about reality... well yeah things would be different. I never had any direction. I really could have used some. I hope I can at least give some to my kids and help them find their way before it's too late. We've already had plenty of conversations about interests and what may be good for them. Or at least I try to give them ideas of things I think they might like to do. No one gave me any so I'm giving them as much guidance as I can.

Time

     Over the past week I've visited MY library twice. (My former place of employment. Yet it was much more than that.) I was over in that area and it was just easier to go there and drop off my stuff then run around even more today. I say MY because I still feel like it should be MY yet I know it's not and I still have to deal with that. It was so nice to see some of what had been my extended family of sorts. But now I'm not really sure what they are. I couldn't sit and chat and catch up because I was on the other side of the desk. I wouldn't be there with them for 3 or more hours. I had a crazy four year old to run after with me. It sucked.
     It was nice to be seen and have so many people seem happy to see me and want to talk to me. With Jake I just really couldn't. I didn't get to say goodbye to a lot of people I know I'll rarely see again. Yes I can always go back and visit. Or try to visit more when I might actually be able to hold a conversation. Each time after leaving though I just feel like crying. I belonged there for so long. I was friendly with just about everybody. Knew what was going on in their lives. Had our own jokes and rhythm and what not. It's just not the same. And it won't ever be again. It's bittersweet being there.
     It's been over a month now and apparently that's not long enough. My husband can tell you, and will over and over, how I hate change. Even if it sucks I'll keep doing it 'cause it's what I know and that's easier to me. I have to remind myself that this fact is why I did work there for so long. It certainly wasn't always sunshine and roses but it's what I knew. I've had to leave what I knew and I'm still dealing with it. The same went for when I moved out of the house I grew up in. Finally at age 28. With a husband and three kids that had lived there with me too. That should have made it easier. It didn't.
     It took me a very long time to get used to this being my home. To being as comfortable in our own house as it was in MY house. I grew up there. I knew it and the area so very well. I still go back there to shop often like today because it's just easier. It's what I know. I had my twins there. My sister moved out. My mother moved out. My mother moved back in. My mother moved back out. My husband moved in. My other sister moved out. I had my daughter. Finally we all moved out.  But always my dad was there and still is. I used to go back and visit quite often with the kids. At least once a week if not more. I just felt more comfortable there. It wasn't my home anymore but I was more comfortable there than in my own home yet. I wish I knew how long it took me to not feel that way anymore.
     I know it was a long while. It didn't matter all the work we put into making this our house right from the get go. It wasn't home. It didn't feel like home. And it wouldn't feel like home for at least a few months I believe. Maybe longer. I guess it's good because it was gradual and it just happened. I can hope that it'll just happen all over again with my extra home and extended family. Though I don't have a new one to get used to or to replace the old. Will that make a difference in dealing with it?   

Playground

     Last week I took Em and Jake to the playground closest to our house. We have only been there on a few other occasions as they are just both starting to be big enough to ride their bikes there. It is actually a very nice area. There is a large playground area and a section of swings. There are a bunch of picnic tables with benches attached under pretty shady trees with a walkway all around them. A basketball court sits right next to the playground area. Beyond the court are a bunch of baseball fields, where Emily played with her little league team in the spring.
     What I couldn't get over was the amount of glass all over the walkway by the tables in front of the playground and covering almost half of the basket ball court. At least there wasn't much in the actual playground area. I know kids are kids and stupid when it comes to drinking and glass. I guess our park doesn't get patrolled or cleaned up too often so it makes for a great hangout for drinking at breaking glass at night. Since it is a Town park and there were actually pretty fresh garbage bags in the cans you would think they might clean up the glass. I guess not. I told the kids next time we'd bring a broom so I could clean it up. I actually wouldn't even have a problem doing it. It would give me something to do while the kids were playing. Normally I'd bring a book to read but sweeping would be a bit more beneficial for my kids and anyone elses. The problem is who knows how long it would stay clean once I did it. But no matter I'd still be willing to give it a shot.
     When the big boys were little we lived within walking distance from the elementary school. That was the playground we used to frequent most often. Sure, it would have it's share of glass now and again, mostly over summers, but it was never anything like what was at our home park now. I guess part of that could be because the school also had security patrols so there wasn't much hanging out going on there. I don't see why they can't have some sort of patrol at local parks. I'm not saying kids shouldn't be hanging out there at night, they need somewhere to go. But it would be nice if they didn't wreck the place for other people. That is the point of a public park right? It is there for everyones use. Unfortunately not everyone will use it the right way.
     Over in PJS, where I used to live when the boys were little, there were two other playground/parks we would go to besides the school. One was very small and just had some swings and a few other pieces of playground equipment. The other had a larger play area and was connected to a baseball field. We didn't go all that often but when we did I do remember small areas I'd have to keep them away from because of broken glass. They were only small areas though. Like those I saw in the school of a broken bottle or two. Not half as much as what I saw last weekend.   
     I guess that's what really bugs and disgusts me about our park. The only one we have in walking or bike riding distance. There was So. Much. Glass. I mean a ridiculous amount. Like a few cases worth of broken bottles. Either there was a big gathering with a lot of inconsiderate people breaking their bottles. Or it has been allowed to get to that point because no one takes care and cleans it up at all. Honestly, I don't know which one is worse. I do know that sometime in the next week we'll drive there to play so I can bring the broom with us. And some garbage bags too. I just have this feeling that if I swept it all up and just dumped the mess into the garbage cans at the park some genius would get the bright idea of dumping it all back out or something. So I'd rather fill my own bags and take it home to toss than chance it. I'll try to clean up the park while my kids enjoy the play area. It'll make me feel useful and do something good. And I won't have to worry about them hurting themselves while we are there. Maybe my little good will rub off when other people go. At least I feel better about it all if I try to do something and make it a little better if only for a little while for everyone. Then my kids can run around and play as their supposed to be able to do at the public park.

Spenders/Savers

     I used to be a better saver than I am now. I tried to sock some of the little money I had away for that so- called rainy day. It usually wound up going toward something else like car insurance or stuff for the boys. It seems I'm good at saving if it's for a specific something. If there's a goal in mind for that cash I can hide it away and not touch it. If not, it always seems to disappear, whether it's dinner out for everyone, a night out for me and the hubby, something the kids end up needing, it vanishes. Quite easily and quite quickly. Life is short and you can't take it with you so why not enjoy what you got?
     I would really like to be better especially now with the family and the house cause you do never know when that rain is coming. My husband just isn't that way and when the finances are joint it's tough. He is definitely a big old spender. But with him no matter what everything seems to work out. I could be stressing about money and he finds a way and fixes it. Which is why he now handles the bills. Which is also why we took our tax return money last year and had the trip of a lifetime. Instead of doing the adult, responsible thing and paying off, or down, some of our bills. The bills will still be there. My kids will only be young once. The trip cross country was something both Rob and I wanted to do with our kids. It is something we will always remember. And it was an incredible family trip. Now that we've been back awhile it may not be the only trip of a lifetime as we've talked about hitting the states we missed this go round on the next big trip we take. It may sound crazy but knowing we did it once we will most likely do it again. It was that amazing and that worth it. Of course reality is coming through first. I have a list of things we need to get done or have done around the house with tax money this year. And after such a big trip an easy relaxing do nothing trip down to the timeshare we have in Florida is perfect. Especially since it's already paid for.
     Our spending habits may not be the best to rub off on the kids though. They are of course having one heck of a childhood with the stuff we try to do with them. Emily saves up her money for certain things she knows she wants. Sometimes she will just buy candy with it but even when she does that she'll try to buy some for her little brother too. The big boys are old enough to be thinking about future and cars and stuff they'll be spending their own money on. They made out like bandits in the money department for their birthday. Because of their age no one really knows what to get them and I feel that too. They got a bunch of cash and some checks too. When I asked them if I should cash their checks or put them in the bank Andrew said bank, Robert said cash.
     Their choices really weren't a surprise to me. When Robert has money he spends it all. It may take a little time but it goes. He'll ask to walk to Target and almost always comes back with something. Andrew usually would go with him. If Andrew spent any of his money it was on something small, I mean really small, like a pack of gum. Sometimes I'll joke with the kids and say, "I don't feel like cooking. Who wants to buy me dinner?" Robert is always the first volunteer. When they really want take out they have paid for it on occassion. Not very often. I think a lot of Roberts money gets spent on food. He'll walk to Dunkin Donuts and bring home a dozen. (And no he does not eat them all himself.) I know he also brings extra to school to buy snacks and stuff there in addition to lunch. At least when he has it.
     I do it too when I have it. Cause really what good is having it if you can't enjoy at least some of it? The grocery trips where I don't have to count out what I'm spending, it's nice to be able to pick up some of my favorites, my kids favorites, my husbands favorites, that we don't always have. It's a nice treat. Besides if you don't treat yourself no one else will. At least not as often as you might like.

Overprotected

     I read or heard somewhere recently that the incidence of all these crazy diseases and stuff with kids has gone up a ridiculous percentage in the past x amount of years. Yeah I know I'm full of details but I got the gist. Anyway it seems "they" did one of those so-called studies and found that kids today aren't building up the antibodies to all of these things like they used to. Well gee, is that really something that needed studying? It seems pretty obvious to me.
     Everyone, but especially parents, are extra paranoid about their kids getting sick, or catching something, or touching germs. There are hand sanitizers everywhere you go now. I'm not saying they're a bad thing, especially in flu season, but come on. Somehow people have survived without slathering on this alcoholic smelly slime 20 times a day. And anytime I have to search out a baby registry there is some kind of new "safety" product that is now a must have on the list! Sure, some are good and useful. Others are a waste of money. Do you really need a seat cover in your grocery cart to protect your child? And what are you really protecting them from? Building up immunities that will help them for the rest of their lives?
     Yes, we all have germs and leave them all over the place for other people. No, you don't know who pushed that shopping cart last and what may have been on their hands. If my hands don't stick to it, I figure it's ok and use it. I used to handle thousands of library items every day. These things were handed to me by other people. I didn't know where their hands were before they touched the books, but I knew I had to touch the book to return it no matter what. Sure every now and again you'd get something really gross and nasty. We had sanitizer and wipes around for that. But could I really take the time out in between every patron to wash off or sanitize my hands. I don't think so. The gross ones, of course you make the time.
     Maybe it's because I had two kids my first go round being a mom, but I never once sterilized a bottle. Sure I washed them out but sterilize, ummm no. And it's joked how parents(read moms) by the third kid don't make the effort to sanitze and make sure every little thing is perfectly clean for their fresh new baby. Well I never did it. Not for my first. Not for my fourth. If any of them spit their paci out on the dirty floor and a sink was not readily available I wiped it off on my pants, maybe gave it the spit cleaning and popped it back in their mouth. You know what? None of them died from it! I also rarely, if ever, pre-washed any of their brand new clothing. Isn't the point of something new feeling and or smelling like something new?
     I know you'll think I'm pretty crazy now but my kids, probably all of them at some time or another, sucked on the handle of the grocery cart. And they are all still here. Of course I put them in car seats as that one is a no brainer but the whole booster seat until their 8? Really? Let's just say that wasn't even in effect with my first kids so why should it be followed for my later ones. And bicycle helmets, yeah my kids have them, do I force them to wear them every time they ride? Nope. Jake will probably be the healtiest of them all. If he's got something to eat he really really really likes and drops a piece on the floor, no matter where we may be, he'll pick it up and eat it before I can tell him not too. He knows I'm going to, he's done it so often I've given up. I pretend not to see it anymore.
     I feel for parents of kids with these bad allergies and other lesser know issues, diseases they have to deal with. It's got to be so hard. But there's got to be a reason why they are so prevalent in our kids when as kids they barely exsisted. I'm not saying it's because we are so overprotective nowadays but I feel it definitely has not helped. I'm no scientist but I hope there's a concrete reason they can eventually give us.
     I've also heard that having a pet, be it cat, dog, bird, whatever helps lessen the incidence of allergies in kids. Maybe it's true, maybe its not. Again though it's living with dander and hair and acclimating to it. I let my kids get used to dust too as I don't dust the house regularly. I figure it can't hurt right? So far so good, no one has allergies here. I am certainly no Susie Homemaker but I will get on a tear and clorox the walls and everything else when the mood strikes, or someone is sick, or company is coming. And I do keep a can of clorox wipes in the car for when my hand does stick to that grocery cart handle.

Climbers

     I really have no one to blame but myself for my kids being such monkeys. They are skilled climbers and have no fear as I did when I was I kid. I'll never forget scaring the crap out of my mother at age 5. She was calling for me, looking around in the backyard. She couldn't see me as I was up quite high in the tree having a ball. I laughed a minute at the fact she couldn't find me before yelling down to her. It took her a few minutes to spot me up there. Then she immediately told me to get down. And, of course asked how I got up so high. It was easy really. I loved to climb and I was good at it. I could even climb up the walls, literally. My younger sister could too but she wouldn't go up to the ceiling as I did. My one son could do it too. I'm not sure about Jacob. We'll have to let him try next time we go to visit Grandpa, as in our house we don't have any good spots conducive to climbing walls.
     I could blame my older kids for showing Jacob how to climb on top of all the playhouses and such in the backyard. I'm sure he figured by watching them, if they could he could. I know better. It's just in him and he'd probably do it no matter what. I didn't have anyone to watch or show me how to climb. Up I went. I did have my dad who was up on the roof fixing things and used to let us get up there too. We used to sit on the roof of the porch on the 4th of July to watch the fireworks in our neighborhood. He has already let my kids, Jake included, stand on top of the playhouse he built for us when we were kids that still sits in his backyard. They all love it. There's no fear of heights here.
     Andrew is the most hesitant. Robert is the tree climber. He gets up quite high. Emily tries to get up in the tree but just isn't as good. She settles for getting on top of everything else in the yard. Jake is following her footsteps but I think he may just be a tree climber too. He is only four yet. When Robert first attempted the tree I didn't stop him. I knew how fun it was and you're only a kid once so why not. I gave him a little help and direction in the beginning but he really didn't need much. Andrew will get up there but won't go as high. He just isn't as agile as Robert. I do stop them from climbing trees in other peoples yards like I used to.
     There was a house diagonal from ours that had one of the best climbing trees. It was near the edge of the property, close to the curb. It was a very large property so we figured we were far away enough from the house we could run if anyone ever came out to yell at us. It was great just hanging out in the trees. Before Halloween came my mother would buy candy and put it out early. We weren't supposed to eat much of it as it was for Halloween. My friend and I would take turns climbing down from the tree, running into the house, stealing a handful of candy, and bringing it back up into the tree to eat. .
     I'm very glad that our house has a good climbing tree for my kids. I can understand why people don't like trees. They are work and can cause some major damage in storms. But they are a lot of fun for kids. (We also have a swing and a ladder hanging from ours) They are so pretty when they change colors. And of course nothing says spring more than the trees beginning to bud. I don't even really mind raking the leaves. The best part about that being making piles of them for the kids to jump and play in. Kids are still kids and outside nature time, sunshine time, fresh air time, whatever I call it when I kick them all outside when I feel they've been too "connected" is definitely good for them. Sure, they are annoyed somewhat at first, at least the older ones, but they know better and give it up and find something to do out there. Even if it is texting their friends from up in the tree.
    Jake wasn't up in the tree, yet, but I had my own scared mommy moment yesterday. I told the big boys to go outside and play with Jake. He was bugging me to go out and I needed to feed Colin, my extra for the evening. After a short while I heard banging on the back of the house but up pretty high. I figured they were tossing a ball into the house or something and let it go. Not long after that I heard Jake crying. I took Colin and went out to investigate. There's my Jake standing on top of the larger playhouse crying and banging the side of the real house. It seems Robert was telling him to get down and he didn't want to, hence the crying. Seeing him standing up there crying, knowing your not as stable up high when your crying, was my own shock. Of course I screamed at him to get down. And at the boys for letting him get up there in the first place. Which of course they didn't let anything just didn't stop him before he got too high. Payback is a you know what. Maybe I should call my own mother and share this story with her. I think she'd get a kick out of it.

Cookie Music Therapy

     Ended my pity party by baking myself some huge chocolate chip cookies. And cranking up the stereo to some WRCN. I don't know what it is about fresh chocolate chips cookies straight from the oven but I obsess about them. Been thinking about making them since I bought a new bag of choc. chips a week or so ago. Tried and tried NOT to make them as I'm also trying to lose some weight. Oh well! Finally gave up the fight and made up the dough. Just getting together the ingredients and stirring it up blasting my radio while no one's here made me feel a whole lot better. Growing up WBAB or WRCN was always on the radio. And the radio was always on.
     My own special type of therapy. All morning I tried to block out the day and stay in bed or on the couch. Just wasn't in the mood for anything. Didn'w want to do anything. Didn't care. Of course Jacob bugging and reminding me about going to school and, "Is it time to go yet?" didn't help much. Gave up and showered finally at about 11:30am. Tried to keep him busy with TV while I had lunch and then it would have been time to go. Then the power went out and he was in my face all through the crappy lunch I made for myself. Driving back home after dropping Jake off I decided if power was back I was having some cookies. Without power I could not have baked them anyway as my stove is electric.
     Cookies it was. And as soon as I started I knew I needed the music. We have a stereo under the cabinet in the kitchen but it doesn't get in many stations. Not long ago I got a portable radio thinking it'd be used outside mostly. It's sitting under the under cabinet stereo on the counter in the kitchen now. After today there is where it will stay. I try to keep the counters as uncluttered as possible but for now I want my radio with the stations I like that come in on it. I can only take so much WALK or WBLI. The only stations that ever really came in on the other stereo. Old stuff I knew and grew up with mixed in with some new rock and roll works much better for me. I know that's not really my husbands cup of tea but oh well. He won't be home tonight anyway, Yankee game with Emily. Maybe it's my lack of alone time driving to and from work cranking the radio. The radio in the car I barely drive anymore has the satellite radio and I definitely miss my Hair Nation station. And my alone time in the car singing along with the radio at the top of my lungs.  
     Food and music. Things to comfort that you can count on. I swear I better not gain anymore weight though. Maybe I'll have to kick up the music more often and add some dancing exercise therapy instead of the food preparation to it. For now my belly is full of warm chocolatey yumminess. And my radio is still going strong. I swear even the commercials on this station are better. F'in transmission, F and J, hysterical! Too bad my husband takes care of the car or I'd go there just because I like their commercial! And I got in some writing again. Go Me! Next time I aim for a lot of writing though, not just some.  

Procrastination

     It is still early yet, Jake has only had school for 7 days now, but I feel like I could and should be doing so much more while he's gone. At least on the days I have the time he's gone to myself. I did run to the store in peace and quiet once or twice. It seems like everyone knows I can actually talk on the phone in peace and calls me then. The dog of course must go out then also. If I want dinner on the table when Rob gets home at 5 I need to do any prep work before I run to pick Jake up. The 4-5 hour is spent going through backpacks lunchboxes and doing homework while getting the dinner done. The crazy hour. Though it is not as crazy as I don't have to get myself ready and out the door for work anymore.
     I feel like I could better use my alone time. Yet I don't. I find other things to distract myself. I want to write. I want to be a writer. But if I don't force myself to sit down and write something, or work on all the somethings I've already started, nothing will ever get written by me. Except maybe this blog. I've made a big effort in getting to every day and at least writing something down for it. It's been about a month already since I restarted and I'm still here. Guess that's a good sign but I know that it's not enough. I don't even know if anyone is really reading me that often except for my husband and probably Dawn. (Thanks for being my follower by the way.)
     Maybe it's just because I still feel lost and confused about my life right now. Sure I'm mom and that's easy. More and more though the kids are all getting older and then what? What will I be doing next year when Jake is gone all day long too? And I don't have to drive him back and forth in the middle of the day. I didn't go to college. I don't have any sort of degree. I don't even have a job outside my house anymore. Let the pity party begin. Not the best way to spend my alone time today either. At least I'm writing something with this time now though. I've thought it'd be neat if I could actually keep this going for a year. That's a hell of a lot of writing for me to be putting out there. Maybe that's all I should focus on? This project for this crazy in between year. Though I already know it's not enough.
     I need to find the excitement I had when I thought about my writing ideas. Not sure where it went. Even when it's here it wavers. I'm lucky if it lasts a full day. Maybe I'm done with it because I actually told my husband what the first one was. I actually showed him some of what I had worked on. Since then I've been stagnant. Maybe I should try the second? Maybe I should try and finish what I started? It'd be nice if I wasn't all over the place.
 

Baseball

     I have never really been into sports. The last time I enjoyed playing gym in school was 6th grade before we moved into junior high. I actually really liked it. Especially the field days which were nothing like they are today. We had clear winners and losers. And it was fun. We even got awarded ribbons for the first 5 places. Somewhere, I still have the ones I won. It was awesome. Maybe some feelings got hurt, but we learned to take it. And what the heck is wrong with a little compitition anyway?
     I remember playing baseball in elementary school but I did not like it very much. I think we had to play softball for a bit every year in high school too. I knew I wasn't good at it and didn't like it. I would hide out way back in the field where I knew I'd never have to do anything. When it came time for hitting I always made sure I was at the end of the line and barely ever got up to bat. We never stayed in order. The gym teacher usually didn't notice. The girls who liked to hit, hit more and that was fine with them too. I also made sure I used all three unprepareds I could get in a quarter without failing. This was also when grades were simply pass or fail for gym. So no one was the wiser save me and the gym teacher. And of course the other girls who weren't into sports and figured out the system too.
     I had never even watched a baseball game by the time I met my husband. He, the obsessive Yankee fan. I started watching and learning for him. To impress him. I read the paper about it too, so I would look smart, and know what I was talking about. He taught me most of the rules and everything. I think he liked that. The first Yankee game we ever went to together he told me that if they lost I could never go again. I knew he was serious and wonder what would have come had they lost. We wound up getting married at Yankee Stadium. Had they lost that first game way back when I wonder where we would have been married.
     I am definitely not as crazy about baseball at he is. I do enjoy watching it. I won't always put it on as it is a damn long season. There are other things to watch and do over the course of 7 months. I watch the most at the beginning of the season, when it's been awhile and I've missed it, and of course at the end, when the games mean the most. Maybe that doesn't make me the obsessive crazy fan he is and would like me to be, but if I'm dealing with the kids and house and he gets to sit and watch instead shouldn't that make him happy?  
     That first game we went to we went in with a group of friends for the free bleacher seats they gave out that day. We got there early enough to get in but it was a little crazy. I have no idea how many games I've been to since that first one. Rob could tell you and give you all the stats about them too. We now get a Sunday season ticket package every year. A long way from those free seats in the bleachers. With four kids and two seats each game we make a schedule of who goes to what game with Rob. He of course goes to all of them. He's also the one who'll drive there so he has to.
     I try to make sure I get to two games. One of the first and one of the last. I know Rob wants to add more seats to our package when we can. But I like that we still get to go by ourselves. Some of those early games we went to when we were dating he would always invite other people along and it always pissed me off when someone actually came. I never got why he couldn't just go with me. So now I make sure it's just me at least once or twice a year. Payback still for those times it should have been just me but he wouldn't let it be. 

Get Gas

     One of the few things I refuse to do, and refuse to learn how to do, is put gas in my car. Although, my husband has tried to show me how on two occassions. Once I attempted to on my own and could not make it work. Eventually the guy came out and did it for me. If forced I may have to try again. But it'll really piss me off. And then of course I could always do the flirty, girly, dumb blonde thing and have some guy do it for me. If it ever came to that.
     With the economy tanking I've lost two full service gas stations. One closed completely and the other one went to self service. I was lucky to have found two over here when we moved. Now I'm searching further away when I really have to fill the car. Mostly I'm just asking my husband to do it. It is easier and probably more cost effective for him to anyway. I will just pull into the first full service station I find. I could care less if it's more expensive. Honestly, I'm not even looking for price when I pull in just that happy sticker that says "full service" attached to the pole. As long as I'm not pumping it and I don't have to keep searching it's worth it to me.
     It was easy when I knew where the full service stations were. I'm still not totally familiar with everything over here. Now I have to stake out some new ones. It's tough with both of us using the car. When it was just me I'd know and always fill it up when it got down to 1/4 tank. My husband lets it run down to E always so I began doing the same. If he was leaving the car for me with no gas in it I'd definitely make sure to return the favor. So starting the car and hearing the tell tale "ding" of the low fuel light coming on I get ticked because I don't have a full serve station close by anymore. And then I'm paranoid I won't make it to the one I know is there.
     I figure soon enough Rob can just teach the boys how to pump gas and they'll be doing it for me. Especially if I'm ever going to let them drive my car. So, why should I learn? My dad taught me how to change a tire and check the oil way back when. I've never had to do the former. Doubt that I could after all these years now. I did the latter countless times with my first beater of a car. I had to constantly check and fill the oil. But now I have a husband and AAA.
     I'm really not sure what it is about pumping my own gas. I just don't want to know how. Something about doing it puts me off. It's a dirty, manly job as far as I'm concerned. And I do know how, and do, enough of those as it is. I don't want to smell like gas all day from touching the hose and stuff either. Again, dirty man thing. My daddy used to put the gas in my car for me. And my mother. Maybe that's where it comes from? I don't know for sure but I don't think my mother has ever pumped her own gas. Maybe she does now but I cannot remember her ever doing it. Guess I may be like her after all.  

'The Wedding'

     As I impatiently wait to get my hands on a copy of Nicolas Sparks' brand new book 'Safe Haven' I thought I'd tell you about my favorite book of his. Sure 'Safe Haven' was released Tuesday and it is only Thursday but I'm used to getting a copy first from my library from when I worked there. No more, as I must be further down on Pat-Med Librarys' list of holds. They may also not order as many new books as Coms. did. I also don't want to buy it. The one book of his I did buy wound up being one of my least favorites.I guess I could read that one again and maybe I'll like it more now. You never know.
     On to 'The Wedding' by Nicholas Sparks. This is sort of a sequel to 'The Notebook' as it takes place after it. It is about Wilson and his wife Jane, who is the daughter of Noah and Allie Calhoun, the main characters in 'The Notebook.' You do not have to read one before the other though. Of course it is another love story as I'm a big sap and those are my favorite things. There is just something about this story that gets me every time. Maybe its because I'm an older married lady now and the main characters are an older married couple. Sure their kids are grown and out of the house but it still hits home for me. Maybe it's because the ending is such a surprise the first time you read it. Maybe it's because who wouldn't want their partner to fight and work their best to save the relationship they know is not on solid ground. Maybe it's all combined. I really don't want to ruin it for anyone who has not read it and may want to now. It's a very heart-warming, tender, anything is possible if you want it to be story.
     I know most of the story by heart. I read it over or listen to the audio book of it at least once a year. It is that good. It's a story I won't forget but love hearing over and over again. I may not know all the lines to it like Rob knows all the lines in his favorite movies. But it's a book, I'm not supposed to know all the lines. It's also about the story not the lines. I also hope they don't make it a movie as they have been making more and more of his books into movies. I liked the movie version of 'The Notebook' but the book is so much better even though the movie was done well. And of course they always change things for the movie. I don't want them wrecking up the pictures I have in my head of this great story. Although, it is a story I'd love my husband to know and I know he won't ever read it. If they made it a movie I could at least make him watch it with me.

Open Windows

     When we first moved into our house every window, except the kitchen and bathroom, had blinds attached. I was very happy about this fact as having my bedroom on the first floor was new and scary to me. When our living room became our bedroom for a time as our family expanded and the house didn't, I was thankful they were there too. I love having my windows open to let the fresh air in. But, there's something about when the sky darkens and lights need to go on that I need to block out the windows. Curtains in the kitchen and a cover for the bathroom went up first thing when we moved in. Possibly even before we officially moved in.
     Maybe I've watched too many CSI episodes about people being watched through their open windows. Forget about that movie "Rear Window." I'm sure there are others I just can't think of right now. Maybe it's because I know when I drive down the street at night if I can see in your window I'm curious and I'm looking. What room am I looking into? What color are the walls? Are there pictures hanging? Is the TV on? What are you watching? How many people live there? Maybe it's my nosy, writer nature. From a quick look I can make up a story or at least wonder a bit about the people in that house. Maybe that's why I always prefer walking to driving. I can see more, take in more, and create more stories.
     I don't get how people cannot know that you can see directly into their windows when night falls. If your lights are on and your windows are open, I can see you! Or at least inside your house. First floor second floor it's still an open window. No I'm not a peeper and I'm not going to stand outside and watch for hours. I swear I'm not crazy. But curiosity will always get the best of me and as I make my way past I will take a quick look. That's all.
     That is enough to make me anal about closing my curtains and blinds when evening comes. I think it drives my husband crazy but I really don't care. I have this thing about being watched. Our living room/bedroom has become our dining room with the upstairs addition. Being it faces the street those are the blinds that always get closed first. There is one that is partly broken. Has been for quite some time. With a little extra effort it still opens and closes as it should. When it breaks completely that will be the day I replace it. I have to have it open during the day to let the light in. And of course it must be closed come the evening. I can never leave it one way or the other.
     It is a daily task I feel i have to do. Opening and closing all curtains and blinds in the house. No one else seems to care but me and thats fine. I have asked my husband to replace the broken dining room blind but he hasn't gotten to it yet. If I thought it would be easy I'd just do it myself. It's a little more involved than I'd like being its been there since before we even owned the house. So I asked the husband, and if I have to I'll wind up fixing it. Which is fine being that it's my obsession. It's not the type of window that a curtain belongs on so it will eventually get replaced. Absolutely.
     So did you run and check your windows? Have I been able to see what you watch on that big screen TV as I drive by? Am I alone in my nosy obsession? How about your curtains? Can you see through them? Have you gone outside and looked into your own windows at night to check? Or is it just me and my special touch of OCD that would do something like that?

Pre-K

     I was going to try to wait a little longer but I figure I can update again at a later time. It's been three days for Jacob in Pre-k so far. He is in a NY state paid for pre-k run in our school district. He seems to love it. At least that's usually the overwhelming emotion I get from him. There are times when he tells me he does not want to go too. They fade out shortly, though.
     At orientation he got to stay in the classroom with the other kids and an aide and play. The parents got to go across the hall to the library and listen to the teachers. He almost didn't even notice me leaving the room. When he did he came running over. I told him I'd be right back and he turned and took off again. The first day he was very excited to go. He went right into the school and didn't even look back. I had to call him back to at least give me a kiss gooodbye. With his teachers prodding he quickly returned to me, kissed me, and ran right back in.
     Then they had four days off. Yesterday he was not so keen on going. All morning he was telling me he didn't want to go. Now I'm home all day anyway and if he really doesn't want to I will not force him. I believe he needs to give it a chance first though. So, I told him we'd bring his backpack back to the store then instead since he didn't need it if he wasn't going to school. I also told him he could pick one of Emilys school only snacks for me to have in the car for him when I picked him up. If he wanted one he had to go to school. They were school snacks. These little tricks seemed to work and by 12pm he was bugging me to go already. His class doesn't start until 1pm.
     He has not told me much about what they do during the day. I know they go outside where they are not allowed to play on the playground equipment. It is made for ages 5 and up, the kindergarteners. School rules say they cannot play on it. It's really funny but at least the teachers warned us of this at orientation. She said they bring things outside for them to do but so far Jacob has said they have not. I know they also have snack provided every day as we were told not to send anything in. He was very excited he got chocolate milk and pretzels yesterday. Jake did say he played with a boy named Jaden. And he had a red shirt on that was his favorite color. So maybe as the days go on I'll get some more information.
     Today he joked with me about not wanting to go to school. I took him to the grocery store this morning and as soon as we were done, 10:30am, he was ready to go to school. He kept telling me, "ok, we can go to my school now." Being it's five days a week I think he'll be used to it very quickly. I don't think he'll get sick of it. I'll probably get sick of driving him and making sure one of the big boys is home to get Emily off the bus. That is the worst part about his school. It's afternoon session. I tried to switch but it has not worked out. Once the boys both want/need to stay after I'll really become the Taxi Mom, running back and forth to the different schools and home. But thats all part of the job right?
     The main reason for Jake to go to preschool was the socialization. He knows his letters, numbers, how to cut and write his name and lots of other things some kindergarteners don't know. It's really to give him the experience of going to school. He has wanted to go on the bus with Emily for over a year now. Thankfully he got into the nice free school program. Otherwise we'd be playing school at home a lot more and getting out with other kids as much as possible.
     I never saw Jake having a problem with school. He always looked forward to it. I feel bad for the parents of the screamers who cling on and screech their little heads off when being dropped off. I had to deal with that with Andrew. Granted he was only three at the time but for some kids it's just not easy. They do adjust. Just like you do. They stop crying in the classroom, like you stop crying on the drive home. It may take a few days or weeks, I hope not months, but you do get there.
    Today we got to school early. All the other kids that had gotten there early were standing outside the door. No one wanted to go in. Jake didn't have that problem. We stopped for a minute so I could fix his backpack and off he went. He didn't care he was the first one in. He was too excited. He sat on the bench to wait. Another boy came in and sat next to him and they started talking. He eventually turned and looked out the window behind him at me and waved. Off I went, freedom for two and a half hours, funny I wasn't very excited.     

Disney World

     Sure it's the happiest place on Earth, if you have the money to go. Honestly Disney prices are not all that bad. That is if you're going for a week vacation. Especially when you get a deal through them. I've compared the deals from all kinds of other places to Disneys own. You can't beat Disney. A ticket for a day or two is not worth it, as we learned on the big trip. We tried to hit Disneyland in California but it was just too expensive for six of us for 2 days.
     Though we've only been to Disney World three times, I'm a pro at planning for Disney. Working at the library probably helped that a lot. I found tons of books on Disney and scoured them for any pertinent information. I get my newsletters and email updates from different websites dedicated to all things Disney. It's always fun to see what they are up to. As Disney is constantly changing and growing to make you want to come back over and over again. With the kids I have to be prepared. More research, more info, better trip.
     My sister was recently saying how she may try to go soon with her little one. Since I get all my email updates and info from Disney also I was telling her about the deals they were having. Rob and I always have to look just to see how much it would be when we get a new offer from Disney. Since we are always pricing it out we know when a really good deal comes up for our family. It's fun to think of the possibility of going. He thinks we'll be back soon. With me not working and losing babysitting hours from my neighbor left and right, I think eventually we'll get there again.
     We are always there anyway. At least Rob and I are. Our first trip to Disney World was for our honeymoon. We got our picture taken and put up on the Leave a Legacy wall in Epcot. We don't know how long it'll be there but it's there for now. And our kids have seen it twice. It's always fun for them to find us each time we visit Epcot. I didn't know a single thing about Disney before our honeymoon. Just that it was Disney. We took things as they came. It's always easier just the two of us. Add in kids, add in lots more opinions and meltdowns. But at Disney with the kids you also add in a lot more smiles and laughs and fun. It's great to see it through their eyes.
     There are four parks that make up Walt Disney World. I do not have a favorite. Each one is so different. Each time we go back there is always something new to discover. At all of the parks. I do not think I'd ever want to go every year as some people do. If I lived around the corner, maybe. Every three years or so makes it long enough to want to do it again. They are always building something new, whether it's a hotel or a new ride or new attraction. That also makes coming back fun. Seeing something as they were creating it, as we did with Expedition Everest, and then going back to see it finished and get to ride on it makes it much more exciting.
     I can't say for sure when we'll be back. We were just there summer 2009. It does almost make it a tease now that we have a timeshare in Florida right outside of Disney property. That also makes it easier to do all the other things Disney that you may skip while spending all your time in the parks while there on vacation. We can always go to Downtown Disney, or visit any of the many hotels we'll probably never stay in because they are too expensive. They also have two miniature golf course we've never played. So each Florida trip to the timeshare may have a little taste of Disney. The full vacation we'll save for staying there. It would be fun to go sometime other than summer to see different shows and decorations they have to coincide with the holidays. For now summer is what we have, with the kids in school and my husband the teacher, we can't go any other time. No matter. It's what we know and love and have no problem doing it again. Even if it is in the heat everyone says we're crazy to go in. We're used to it. And love every minute of it. Well most of them. 

Telephone

     A few weeks ago my husband decided to move the telephone that was in our sons' room into Emily's room. She turned 8 in June. She has called her friends on occassion and has been starting to use the phone more and more. His main reasoning was that she will actually answer the phone. As oppossed to Robert who would check the caller id and then usually not answer. Emily doesn't care who it is she'll run to the phone to answer. If I'm avoiding a call I'll have to yell at her to not answer the phone. Otherwise I guess it's not a bad thing, but part of me feels she's a little too little.
     Shorty after moving the phone Emily got her teacher for school. They wait until right before school starts to send it out. I believe it's so you have less time to switch teachers if you get someone you don't like. Anyway, she couldn't wait to call her friends and find out who they had. We found the old class lists I'd kept and she ran up to her room to call. We also found a few she had made up on her own as she got numbers from friends at lunchtime too. I had no idea she was going to call everyone on the list. And I do mean everyone! I guess she figured why not?
     I was quite surprised when she excitedly told me Angelo was in her class. I had never even heard of an Angelo before. At some point in time he was in her class and she had his phone number. I warned my husband that we may be hearing a lot about Angelo this coming school year. He had the same question I did, "Who's Angelo?" I joked, "Her new boyfriend." So over dinner later he of course asked her about Angelo. I said I can't wait for him to call her so she can run up to her room for the phone.
     I'm not sure when I really started using the phone a lot. I have a sister who's three years older, and one three years younger. At some point my mom was sick of us hogging the phone and got us our own phone line. That was high tech then. We had our own line, sure we had to share it, but it was still cool to have. I know I didn't even have my own room until 4th grade. Maybe 5th grade came the phone? More likely 6th as that was our last year of elementary school then. Either way it definitely wasn't 3rd like Emily.
     Rob and I have both said no cell phone for her until high school. We can't believe how young some kids are that have them. It is a waste. But I wonder if that will change when it gets closer. She already plays with and uses both of ours. And of course her older brothers' too. I wonder, will daddy wind up giving in sooner? He didn't even ask me what I thought about putting the phone in her room. He just did it. She had an MP3 player before her older brothers and myself. Daddy's girl has him wrapped around her finger. I'm pretty sure she'll keep him that way. Only time will tell. 

Birthdays

     We seem to like to drag out birthdays around here. Why not right? There's only one day a year when it's perfectly appropriate to celebrate you. Why not make it last as long as possible? My husband used to think I was crazy when I'd say things like "well, it's my birthday weekend," so he couldn't do what he wanted and had to do what I wanted. That was reason enough. He'd tell me how I was the only person he knew who got a birthday weekend. Of course I'd say that was course not true. Now seeing Facebook posts I know I'm definitely not the only one celebrating a birthday weekend. What does it matter if my birthday was on a Wednesday. I'm still getting a birthday weekend. With school and work what do you really get to do on a Wednesday anyway?
     I think my husband has finally gotten used to my meaning for birthdays. Especially when it works for him, and we had things like a suprise party in a suite at old Yankee Stadium with a tour before it was gone. Yes he went way above and beyond with the two surprise parties for me this year. That is something I will never forget and my kids, and maybe even my friends, won't ever forget. Maybe it'll even rub off a little. Sort of that pay it forward deal. It's fun to celebrate the ones you love. Why not make birthdays a big thing?
     Today we are continuing my sons' 16th birthdays. Of course with two birthdays it may have to extend even longer. We started early as their birthday always falls around labor day and the first day of school so we have to plan well. I also have to share it with their father. He had them on the actual day this year so I did what I could before and after. I also sometimes feel I need to make up for him and the whole first day of school thing.
     Each of my sons got a cake and sung to the night before their actual birthday with extended family around. Emily, Jake, and I also filled their rooms with balloons to surprise them. On their birthday they got presents from us before their father picked them up. While with him they didn't get a cake, forget about singing, or a present, not even a card. This is amazing and depressing to me at the same time. "How could you, your mother, and your brother not even get them a birthday card?" I've wanted to scream at him and on some occassions have. I know it's not worth it anymore. I've gotten used to it and have come to expect it. I think the boys are finally seeing the two sides a little better now. Especially when one said they'd rather have stayed home.
      They are only any age ONE time. You are only any age ONE time. Make the most of it. Celebrate it. Enjoy every damn minute of it! I don't care how old you are or what's wrong with you. In the scheme of things we are here and gone in the blink of an eye. Yeah, who really wants to think about that? I know but it's true. Any one of us could be gone tomorrow. Did you celebrate the ones you love today? On their birthday? Any time recently, so they remember and you remember how special we all are.
     Today we are going to lunch. It is Andrews turn to pick his special birthday meal place. Then we are taking them to fly trapeze. A class for about two hours in Rockville Center teaches them and lets them fly. As it gets closer I'm getting more nervous about it. These are my babies who'll be flying around like circus performers. I have to admit I found the article in the paper and suggested it to them. It will be an exciting birthday gift. And maybe a bit scary but one I don't think they or I will soon forget. I think it's a good way to celebrate 16 year old boys who don't get to be "Sweet 16" like us girls do.

Paper Girls

     I get the newspaper delivered to my house every day. I guess that's part of being a reader. I was happiest on the big trip when the hotel had a free newspaper for me to read in the morning. Anyway, it really bothers me when I get the little tip envelope included with my paper. I wish I had a paperboy, you know a kid on a bike, to tip. Not some adult in a crappy car throwing the paper out the window and sometimes under my car in the morning. I feel the kid worked harder getting those papers out. He would be just a kid with a first job, of course you'd want to tip him. You'd also know him as he'd come to your door to get paid. I have no idea who delivers my paper. Payments for it automatically come out of my account every month and go straight to Newsday. You decided to deliver newspapers for your adult job why should I tip you? When I had a job noone tipped me.
     I don't know when paperboys became obsolete. I can guess when the papers warred with each other on which could be delivered earlier. Although I think they are supposed to be here by 6am, which isn't all that early. Maybe it used to be 7. I really don't know for sure. Maybe the world is just too dangerous and not enough mothers would let their kids out that early to be paperboys anymore? Would I have let my boys do it? I'd like to think so. Although, I may not have wanted to get up and go pick up the papers in the morning for them to deliver. I think that's how it works.
     When we were kids my girlfriends' brother was a paperboy. He was really sick for a few days over the summer once and my girlfriend and I filled in for him to deliver the papers. I remember her mom didn't want her doing it by herself. I guess because she was a few years younger than her brother, and also a girl. My mom let me do it with her. It was so much fun for us. We were some of the only people up and out that early in the morning. It was so quiet and peaceful all you heard were the birds. We were lucky the days we wroked were beautiful ones. And not too hot because it was so early. The route wasn't very far away, maybe 5 blocks or so. But it was somewhere we didn't usually go. It wasn't easy throwing those papers from a bike but we managed.
     Being maybe 12 at the time it was a great adventure. I found a small pink flower dish on the street one of those days. It was dirty but pretty. I still use it as a jewelry dish on my dresser in my bedroom. I'm not even sure my girlfriend knows that I still have it. I think it's a shame that boys (and girls) don't get to have some of these early on learning experiences that we did. I think we are better people for it!

Divine Secrets

     I caught some of one of my favorite movies on the other night. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. This is one of the movies I need to eventually buy for myself because when the right mood strikes it's a great one to watch. I never did get to read the book. Now that I have seen the movie and love it so much I know it'll be a waste. If I don't read it before I see it the movie usually kills the book for me. One of the best parts of a book is forming your own images. Once the movie has done that for me I feel it wrecks one of the best parts of the book. At least for me anyway.
      I also felt it interesting it was on as it sort of went with my theme of putting everything out there on here for all to know. Or at least should my kids read this they will learn lots of things they probably didn't know. Or if they knew get my perspective on it. And as we see in this great movie perspective is everything.
     When we are growing up we see things as a kid and may not know or get what all is happening. If we never talk with our parents or others who lived through it we may never get the real understanding of the things that happened. Everyone's lives are different. Everyone feels things and experiences things different ways. If you don't know the whole story how can you completely understand it. We all have secrets and things we may not want others to know about. Mistakes we've made. Things we learned the hard way. No matter what those things are they have made us who we are and nothing is going to change that.
     Everyone relationship that's failed, every job that's lost, every test that's failed, it's all had some sort of affect on you. Like it or not, good or bad, it has. It has also affected those around you because it has affected you. This is why I probably like the movie so much. It makes you think about stuff like this. Maybe I'm a nerd but I like thinking and learning even if it comes from a movie.
     My relationship with my mother is ok. I know there are lots of assumptions I've made about her life and her choices but I've never talked to her about it. I don't know that I ever will. I know that I want to have a better relationship with my daughter when she is an adult than the kind I have with my own mother. I know I want the boys to understand the choices I made and why I made them regarding their father. I don't want them to wonder why I am who I am I want them to know. Why shouldn't the ones you love most already know?
    

Oops.

     OK, so I found the poem I was talking about although it's not a poem. More of an essay I guess. No matter I loved it and still love it. Think it's a great way to communicate how it feels. Copied it and framed it and had it hanging on my wall for quite a few years there when things were not easy. I think I may have first found it in one of the 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' books. I loved them and read lots of them when they were big years ago.

                                       WELCOME TO HOLLAND
                                            by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome To Holland".

"Holland?!?" you say, "What do you mean "Holland"??? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy"

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills...Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy...and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned".

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But...if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things...about Holland.



Been some time since I read it through. I still love it. It is still so true. When you're told your child has ANYTHING wrong with them you feel a piece of this. And on those hard days early on with Andrew taking a minute to read this over again and think about it made the day a little better and easier. The little things that can get you through.

Doctors!

     I am definitely not a fan of them. Honestly I haven't seen a regular family doc in a good eight years or so. Being a woman of a certain age who doesn't want any more kids right now, I have to keep up the visits with the OB/GYN. But thats the only one I see on a regular basis. My husband is the same way so it works. The kids, of course, we keep up with theirs. I know I should go. I just don't want to and have no motivation to. It'll just be another bill to pay because I'm sure since it's been so long there'd be all kinds of fun tests and stuff they'd need me to do. Whatever. I don't like 'em. Especially when they are full of themselves.
     They do not know all. They are just regular people. But sometimes they have to act better than you. And some of them really think they are. When Andrew was 3 he was barely speaking. He was off in his own world a lot of times. We had him evaluated. I saw a ton of doctors and specialists with him. I learned about all these fun things like Aspergers, Autism, and Fragile X syndrome. What's amazing is how little information there was to find 13 years ago on these subjects. I remember digging in the dusty old verticle file that doesn't even exsist anymore for info. I had to interloan books from other libraries just to get more info. Mine had nothing. Many had nothing. Very few even exsisted in Suffolk County at the time. Now there are shelves and shelves stocked full of information. It's like it all exploded.
     Andrew was eventually diagnosed with PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified). Which I learned meant there was something not quite right but they weren't really sure what and how to fix it. They told me he fell at the very end of the Autism spectrum. He didn't have Autism but he was on the spectrum. He started school shortly thereafter at age 3. He went to DDI (developmental disabilities institute) in Selden. I did as much research as I could on my own to help him. I found an amazing poem about being the mother of a disabled child that helped me through a lot. I used to know it by heart but not anymore. I will find it and put it on here when I do though.
     During this time I found a seminar about Pervasive Developmental Disorders at Middle Country Public Library. It was given by a Dr. Pomeroy from Stony Brook Hospital. He was the head of their soon to be open Autism unit, the foremost expert on the subject at the time. Honestly I don't remember learning much from it. I was glad I went as hearing other peoples stories were interesting though. Shortly after this, Dr. Pomeroy was making a visit to DDI in Selden. Andrews teacher told me about it and made sure that he was going to be seen by him. We were hoping for a more concrete diagnosis and some answers of what best to do for him. I was looking forward to him seeing Andrew.
     To this day I'm not sure if he ever really saw Andrew. I never met with Dr. Pomeroy himself. I met with his lackey, some grad student. I have no clue what his name was. I know he royally pissed me off though. He made it like the good Dr. was a God. What he told me they thought about my son was completely off base. I knew my kid and they were not talking about him. When I said this to the lackey he thought I was crazy As the good doctor is never wrong and could never be wrong. He told me this in so many words. No matter what I said I was wrong. The good doctor wasn't even there yet this guy was backing him up. He also made sure I knew that I should consider myself very lucky that Dr. Pomeroy even saw my son. Please! I was done. I let him finish whatever crap he wanted to tell me and I walked out. That'll be the last time I ever get excited about any "expert" doctor.
     When I talked to Andrews teacher about it she was surprised. She completely agreed with me, which made me feel much better. Being a young mom of a 3 year old with issues is not easy. Of course I questioned myself after the meeting. She knew they had him wrong also and said how great it was I stood up to them no mater who they were.
     No matter what no one is going to fight for your kid as much as you will. And no one is going to know them as well as you do. You have to do what you know is right. No matter what the doctors say. 

Movies

     I had told my husband awhile ago, when I was thinking of quitting 'the job', that we'd have to get Netflix or something if I ever did. One of the biggest bonuses of working at the library was the movies. I'd put the new ones on reserve sometimes months before their release date. This meant I usually got a copy of it when it was released. If I missed any I could catch up and eventually get it. Sometimes I would do it so far ahead of time I'd forget I did and try to do it again. Also, I saw so many different titles come across the desk there was always something I could just take home to watch whenever the mood struck me. Or if a patron liked something I hadn't seen and I thought I would like it too. I miss having that.
     I'm now stuck with what's on TV. At least since we switched to Directv we have some movie channels in Starz and Encore. And of course the dvds we own to watch. Sure I can go down to my new home library and see what they've got when the mood strikes. It's just not the same. I'm not always there. I have to make and effort to get up and go. I did reserve some new stuff with my new library card hoping for the best. I will actually be taking a ride down there in a little while to pick up the first new movie that I've gotten on hold from them. Marmaduke. Sure to make the kids happy especially if we're stuck inside this evening with the possible hurricane. And since it only came out on Tuesday and I got the notice it was there Thursday, not too bad.
     We did look into Netflix a few weeks ago. I thought it was neat we could get movies through the Wii also. The problem was they couldn't guarantee that the newest movies would be on there. Sort of not worth it when the Directv box would have them the day they came out. It seemed you also had to create a list of movies you wanted to see and you wouldn't know what they'd be sending to you. If I put any oldies on there I may get one of them when I really wanted the new release that week. Not worth it there when I could just go down to the library and get the oldies for free. Sure maybe I'd have to reserve it when it was out but I'd still get it and know what I was getting.
     I also have my dad to borrow movies from. He has quite an extensive collection himself. He always buys the new ones he wants as soon as they come out. His favorite genre though is sci-fi. Definitely not mine, though I do watch some. He did tell me, now that I won't be getting movies so easily from work, that if there was anything I wanted just tell him when it came out and he'd get it. Thanks Daddy!
     I do love my movies. I have lots of crazy favorites. It depends on what mood I'm in and sometimes on what I haven't seen in awhile. I loved talking about the movies at work. With my co-workers and patrons. It was always fun trying to figure out what movie someone was looking for when they didn't know they title. I'd always find a way to figure it out. It would bother me until I got the answer. The patron could have left and given up but I'd have to figure it out.
     It was tough when someone would ask me to recommend a good movie. Everyone has different taste. Just because I liked it doesn't mean you will. I'd answer their question with my own. Usually, "What kind of movies do you like?" and I'd list a few genres, or "What's a good movie you recently saw?" This way I could gauge what their interests were. I love romantic comedies, like 'Forget Paris'. But I also like dark, sick and twisted ones too, like 'Very Bad Things.' It was easy when someone had the same taste as me. I could go through and suggest my favorites. If not I'd stick with some classics or even suggest things I hadn't seen but had heard were good.
     I had a few favorite patrons too. If I had the time and wasn't busy would go in the back with and go through the movie aisles. We'd talk about them and I helped them pick out new ones to watch. Sometimes they had a few for me to try. It was always fun to do. There are just so many movies out there. Maybe I should start watching more and reviewing them for you here to keep me going on days I'm not sure what to write about? Hmmmmmmm.....  

Walk Around

     I am determined not to become obsessed with my weight again here. I just want to do better. We got back from the big trip and I knew I had gotten back up where I didn't want to be on the scale again. I started moving. Sure it was only my 8 minute Tae Bo dvd but it was better than nothing. When I could I'd get in my walk around the yard for 30 minutes. I felt beter and I felt happy. The worst part of course is that I had more energy. It bothers me so much that to have more energy I somehow have to force myself to move more in the first place. Round and round we go.
     Then I got a little sick and my throat and my damn tooth bothered me off and on for like a week. Who the heck wants to move (much less do any form of exercise) when sucking down Tylenol like water just to get through the day? Not me. No way. Of course drinking soda and eating ice cream because it feels better does nothing to help me. At that point I didn't care.
     I'm back to caring again. I just really have to make an effort. I don't work outside the house anymore. I should have more time to get my butt moving, right? Sure that makes sense, but I also have more time sitting around the house with the kitchen full of goodies so easily accessible. I also have been getting Colin at 7:40am or earlier every day so far this week. I like to exercise early and be done with it. By afternoon or evening I don't even want to think about it. It's no excuse why I can't get in 8 minutes of Tae Bo while he toddles around the house though. I've just been lazy. Once I get that 8 minutes back into my routine I push myself to get in a walk also. It is such a good motivator and only 8 minutes. I have to kep reminding myself.
     I do prefer just a walk most times. It's just so damn hot lately. Even at 8am. I have to become dedicated and get up bright and early or get my butt moving in the evenings. That is of course when the weather get cooler. So looking forward to that. I really like walking. I have my path around the backyard so I'm still close if the kids are in the house. Usually they're outside with me though. It's my peace and quiet time. Always has been. Where I can be alone with my thoughts and think about my writing, kids, stuff thats bothering me, anything I need to work out or figure out I just need a good walk. It makes me feel good mentally and physically. I usually come up with some great writing ideas. And ideas for other stuff about the kids and house or whatever. It's my best thinking time.
     I used to walk everywhere. It was a lot easier where I used to live. There were so many places to go within walking distance. Here that just isn't so. Sure, there are some stores to get to but crossing Horseblock is no piece of cake. There I had the library, the bowling alley, two strips of stores, a school, and two parks with playgrounds. Here the school isn't even that close, though it does make for a good walk.
     It's probably been about a week since I've had a good walk around my yard. My yard really isn't that big but it works. At least it's not so small I get dizzy walking in circles around the perimeter. I often wonder what my neighbors think as I've been doing it off and on for some time now. I guess once the kids are all old enough I could walk the neigborhood again. I used to when they were small enough to be pushed in strollers for half an hour or more. I'm sure it'll be weird though not walking around the yard. I've thought about seeing if my husband would come out for a walk with me in the evenings. Although it would be nice, we could leave the kids to watch each other now while we went. I don't want to lose that alone with myself and my thoughts time though. So even if we did it wouldn't be always.
     I'm looking forward to some good wind from the hurricane on friday. If I'm lucky I'll be able to get in a good cool windy walk before we get any rain.