Beginnings/Endings

     I found out yesterday another one of my girlfriends, someone my age, is pregnant. I'm very happy for her but can't help wondering about how we are at different stages. Totally different stages. She is starting over again with another new baby and my babies, my first babies, will be graduating from high school come June. I'm trying to help them figure themselves out, and start their own grown up lives. All the while I'm still wondering if I'd want to start over with a new baby again. There's a large part of me that screams, "No way." And that part has certainly been growing. But there is still that small part that just goes, "Awwww a baby." Sometimes it's really hard to shut that part off.
     I'm almost at the point where I've been a mom and taking care of someone else for half my life. Of course it's going to be weird. Sure my younger kids need more moming still and they'll all always be my babies but saying I'm done....? Am I really at that stage? Am I ready for that? No more cribs, diapers, onesies? All the good, and all the bad? Not ever quite the ending of being mom, but some sort of beginning being done, and being sure I'm done? Where does that leave me?
     If you had seen my day today you'd probably be thinking I'm a total loon for even questioning any of this. My neighbor extra came at about 7:45 am. I took him and my four kids over to my sisters house by 9am. I was there to watch her two kids and wait for the dishwasher repairman with all the rest in tow. Sure the teens were there mostly to help me out but anyone with a teen knows that's not always the case. Seven to one is still a little crazy. We were there for a few hours and then we all trekked it home, with help from my hubby, for another 3-4 hours. It was a bit easier in my own house, and nap times kicked in, somewhat. It still was a pretty non-stop day, and then I went off to work.
     So yeah, there are still a bunch of babies under this roof, at least from time to time. That fix has held me over quite well I guess. That and the fact we really can't afford a baby here anymore. But being ok with this stage? I'm still working on it. As happy as I am for my friends just having babies, first ones, middle ones, or last ones, for a little while I just want to be them. Nothing beats that feeling of a baby growing in your belly. But eventually we all have to give it up right?
     I started having babies much earlier than most of my friends. I may have missed some things on the in between. As long as I've been with my husband I've had to think about babysitters for us to go out. Not having to do that eventually will be a whole new world for us. With the age difference in the kids sometimes we don't have to when the older ones are home. But when we're free of kids and they're all grown up we'll probably be a lot younger at that stage than our counterparts when we get there. What's that going to be like? Another sort of ending/beginning? I can't even think about that one now.
   

Message In A Bottle

     I've talked about Nicholas Sparks' books here before. I do read all he writes, some definitely better than others. I had only read Message in a Bottle once and thought it time to pick it up again. I'm not sure how long after I read the book that the movie of it came out. I, of course had to see it also. It'd been a lot of years since either version and I looked forward to reading the book again. About a month ago I finally came across it in the library and brought it home.
     I was excited to begin and figured it'd be a quick, easy read. Boy, was I wrong. I was waiting for certain parts I realized weren't going to come. They had been in the movie version and not the book. Just that simple fact disturbed me so much it took awhile for me to get through even more of the book. I guess too many years had gone by that I'd mixed the two versions of the story in my head. I wasn't sure which was which anymore and this highly annoyed me. Once I read through a certain section and knew for sure some of what I remembered was not in the book and had to be in the movie I did my best to plug on with the book.
     That was until I caught the movie on tv one night. I thought, "Great, I'll just record it to watch when I've finished the book and it's fresh in my mind." Best laid plans yet again. The film had just begun about 10 minutes before I'd found it so of course I couldn't bring myself to turn off the screen. I watched for quite awhile, still taping it also. When the film caught up to my place in the book I did shut it off. I was still disturbed by the differences in the two and my shoddy memories of both. How could I have confused them so much?
     I tried a few more times to get back into the book. I just couldn't do it. The fact that I had confused the book and movie in my own head was so disturbing to me I no longer wanted to finish. The book sat untouched another week or two. Finally I returned it without getting to the end. Not long after I deleted the movie from my dvr playlist, certainly not wanting to watch the film version either. I do remember the end of the book. At least I think I do. But I am not sure if the movie played out the same way. I want to say no but I'm just not sure. At this point in time I really don't care.
     Eventually I may get to the point of needing to know, or maybe I'll just catch it on tv at the right time. I'm not sure I'll ever go back to the book. Maybe because the story just isn't one of my favorites. Maybe because I know what should happen to the characters and I don't know which version has the right ending. Maybe because I really hate when Hollywood messes with books. Ok fine, they've done some good ones. But I tend to like them better if I haven't read the book. They change my vision of the characters and all, too much to get over sometimes. Maybe I'm just really ticked at myself for confusing them, Aren't I better than that? I love comparing books with their movie counterparts how could I have them mixed in my head? Yeah, I guess that's probably it.

The Map

     In preparation for our big trip in 2010 we purchased a large map of the United States. It covered part of the wall in our centrally located dining room. If you came to my house there was no way you could miss seeing it. During the planning it was great fun to look and see where we would be going, could be going, and think of what we might do there. Once we were home I slowly added pictures to the map of all the places we had been and things we had done. Eventually I had covered over the whole thing. The map stayed like that for awhile until I'd had almost all pictures from the trip printed. Or all the good ones anyway, we did take quite a lot. My husband estimated about 4000!
     The collage of photos on the map was great fun to look at too, but eventually I had to take them down. I made albums for each of the kids. I made a scrapbook for all of us. I also put lots into picture frames that are now scattered throughout the house. Even without all the photos it's not a trip we'll soon forget. The map looked quite empty without all the photos, and without any new plans for another trip the map soon came down too. Our light up Disneyworld flag returned to its place. It had to. With me not working and still paying for the trip we weren't going anywhere anytime soon. We'd gotten to take an amazing trip with our kids, now we had to deal with and live in reality for awhile.
     Eventually the map came back out. We couldn't resisit it's pull. It's been up on the wall again for about a month now. I've put in tacks to show where we've been. The places we remember, the places we did something, places that were significant. Not just places we may have stopped to sleep. I ran out of tacks and had to get some more. The kids have helped with things I may have forgotten, and they love looking at it too. Remembering and then of course thinking about the possibilities for next time. When I was younger my brother was in the Navy. He had a map of the world up above his desk in his room in the basement. Every time he came back on leave he added more tacks to his map of all the places he'd been in the world. I may not be giving my kids the world but I'm giving them the feel and realization of something bigger. At least I hope I am.
     Looking at it now, there are a lot of empty spots on our map of the USA. Many states we didn't get to. Many places we just slept but didn't get to do much more in before having to move on. Looking at the tacks also shows how we were barely in certain states. Cities like Louisville, KY and St. Louis, MO are on the border of those states. We know there's a lot more those and every state has to offer. We plan to get there and check it out some time. It's fun to think about possible routes we could take and places we'd stop. Watching shows on the travel channel takes on more meaning when they show a place we may like to visit also. I'll text my husband or tell everyone at dinner about wherever it was they had shown on tv that we'd have to go to. Most recently it was a food wars in Kansas I believe. Fried chicken at these two places located only 300 ft. from each other. Being we had done the same thing with Philly cheesesteaks at Pat's and Geno's in Pennsylvania it certainly feels like something we'll get to do one day.  It may take awhile for us to get there but it's certainly inspiration to do it. We may not be able to plan a massive trip like the last one for awhile but we can do smaller ones.
     For now my focus will remain on the smaller ones. Making little dents, or tacks in our map of places we have not been. Places that are closer, easier and more cost effective for us to visit right now. My two youngest kids have played in the Pacific ocean in California yet somehow we've not gotten them to the Atlantic, right here on our south shore. I guess because it's always there, it doesn't seem like it should take much planning to get there. I guess it just might. And it's certainly fun for me making even potential plans.

Dollar Store

     Never having much extra cash I've long been a fan of the dollar store. Before these stores popped up all over the place we had stores like Woolworths, Rockbottom and Mccrorys. These were the stores I frequented when my teenagers were babies. I could always find good cheap stuff that I needed. Once these stores closed, dollar stores became more prominent everywhere.
    There were plenty of them around and I certainly had my favorites. Not a single one was a chain store and I never trusted them enough to buy food items from there. It just seemed too sketchy. But the toys for the kids, holiday decorations, picture frames and most important baby items were always what I went for. I even bought all the ribbon and flowers and decorative items I used to make the centerpieces for my wedding in a dollar store. Of course I found many items to purchase, but never spent more cash than I had on me. I didn't trust using anything but cash in these stores. Once friends of mine were having kids I'd make them a bag of useful goodies from the dollar store. Things like bottle brushes, teething rings, bibs, outlet covers and more, all for a dollar. I've no doubt they were used.
     Family Dollar was the first chain dollar store I went to. Of course not all their stuff was a dollar but I thought it was a great store. I found many deals there and shopped there quite often. They even had great cheap clothes for the kids in addition to lots of other useful stuff. When we first moved into our house I bought tons of house things we'd need at great prices. Laudry baskets, curtains, bedding, cleaning supplies, candles, decorative items for the walls, tools, kitchen items, so much stuff.  Sometimes the quality wasn't always there, sometimes you wouldn't even notice the difference. They also had decent dry food goods. I slowly began purchasing food from the Family Dollar store. But rarely the cold stuff. Couldn't take that big of a step yet, it still felt sketchy to me. Stock was always changed and it didn't seem old or strange. And the candy, sweet items made for great easter baskets and whatnot.
     Unfortunately they started raising the prices on many of their items. The deals weren't as good anymore. I found myself at Family Dollar less and less. This was also the same time many of the dollar stores upped their prices. I'm guessing the economy tanking helped that happen. It really started to bother me though when all the stores named "Only $.99" and such started adding these small signs "and up" to their names. Things inside were now $1.29, $1.59, and $1.99. Not too many items had the $.99 sticker on them anymore. Needless to say I stopped shopping these stores also. Although I've been in Family Dollar periodically there's mainly one thing I shop for. My youngest loves their version of Tylenol. It's the one medicine he'll take every time he's sick without a fight. At $2.25 a bottle it's really not bad either. If he's going to take it, rest, and feel better I'm going to keep getting it.
     I am now grateful Dollar Tree stores have opened out here. Everything in the store is truly only a dollar. They don't have as many baby items as the other stores used too. Good thing I don't have much use for those anymore. They have a lot of party stuff, holiday items, household goods, and food, and of course lots of other things. Funny now though how one of the main things I do go for is the food. Dry and cold. Being a well known, clean, chain store I have no qualms purchasing and consuming their food. Of course the same thing about quality of product still holds. Sometimes it's good sometimes not so much. With four growing kids it's really wonderful. I can buy all sorts of items I'm not sure anyone will like for just a dollar. It gets them to try new things, I can try new recipes with other cheaper ingredients. If they like them I can always get plenty more or the better brands in the other stores. But if no one likes it, it's really easy to toss away as it was only a dollar. I don't feel like I'm being wasteful that way. I hope Dollar Tree will be around for awhile. If not I sure hope I'll find another store to replace it.

Potty Mouth

     I most certainly have one and it pisses my husband off to no end. We've had quite a few fights/discussions about it. Sometimes I just can't seem to help myself. Sometimes I'm in better control. I don't usually think too much, if at all, before I speak. This of course leads to lots of bad words coming out of my mouth. I guess because I grew up with it and my friends all spoke that way what's considered profanity to most people really doesn't have much effect on me. I try to check myself but have not done a good job of it. My one son is great proof as I catch him saying certain words lots of times. Of course I yell at him for it but I'm certainly no good example there.
     Working in the library I had somewhat better control. None of the women I worked with really spoke that way. Any time I caught myself using bad words I made note of it and tried to do better. It was also a lot quieter we didn't talk all that much. No longer at the library, I'm working at night with kids the same age and up as my own son. Prime age for swearing all over the place. Not to mention the fact that there's no drug test before being hired at my job so being high can definitely taint some conversations that go on around me every night. The guys have no qualms talking sex and body parts and all sorts of lovely things with wonderfully colorful language, racist, sexist, dirty we've got it all!. I've gotten used to it but it's in my head. It doesn't mean anything to me but you know how the longer you're around peoople the more you pick up their words or how they talk? Why wouldn't that come into play here?. The words don't have the power if you don't let them. When the guys at work declare its "fuck you melo" night and everyone says this to him every time they see him it certainly lessens the power of the word. Someone spills something it's always met with a "Dammit Calvin!" even if he's not working.
     I know it's no good for my kids to hear. I have even been told "that's a bad word" by other peoples children. That certainly embarrasses me. Knowing it bothers my husband so much every time we wind up getting into a tiff over my language I certainly make a concerted effort to change it and be better. I have tried the rubber band slapping of my own wrist, which never worked. I never have the money for a swear jar as all my singles and change go to the kids' lunch money at school and I always wind up taking out of it. The problem is that I really don't even hear it until I've said it outloud.
     After complaining about my language the other night, my husband and I were still finishing up a heated exchange and I caught myself a good ten times swearing without thinking about it. After each time I said 'sorry' and so I was certainly quite aware of how often I was doing it. I do catch myself on the phone with girlfriends sometimes too. If I even feel I'm using certain words excessively I try to back off. It's really not easy.
     My mother certainly cursed, at us, at my dad, on the phone, whatever. Maybe that's why I certainly hold no stock in the words as I hold no stock in anything that comes out of her mouth. My dad barely said much but when he was mad enough he ceratinly used some choice words. I guess it's just really up to me to think before I speak. Something that really doesn't come naturally as I like to talk and when I'm mad, hurt, or upset, I'm certainly not thinking straight much less at all before I open my mouth. Nobody's perfect right? But it certainly doesn't hurt to try to be better.

Romance!

     Not long ago the hubby and I watched the movie "What's Your Number?" with Anna Faris. Not a bad movie but there was a scene we had to stop the film for and have a little discussion about. It's a scene that has been played out in many a movie. Being the girl I am I love it every time. Being the man that he is he just doesn't get it. So, in the movie Anna Faris is tracking down her exes. She goes to see one in DC who is very politically involved. He then invites her to this big shin dig that night. We then cut to the scene of her recieving this big, pretty package containing this amazing dress he's picked out for her to wear to said shin dig. My husband starts going off about how unpractical that is and how in heck is the guy supposed to get the size right and what if she hates it and on and on. So we stopped the movie and I gave him my girlie side.
    It's the fantasy and the romance of it. Basically porn for us ladies. Yeah I've heard the term before but so true. The sweeping off your feet over the top gesture. The fact that she doesn't even have to think or worry about the night- he's got it covered for her. He's got it all planned. She can enjoy and be swept away. I'll take romance over a naked man any day. I know my husband understands that part of it as on a few occasions he's done amazing planning over the top gestures himself. But who doesn't want more? Which is why I'm a big sucker for romantic movies. The surprise, the anticipation, the love and romance that comes through. I'll take it day after day after day. And then maybe we'll get to the naked man part, but that's another story.
     That amazing and of course sexy dress also speaks to the measures we girls go to for you guys. I am not complaining. It's fun to dress up and play with different make up and hair and shoes. Been doing it since I first noticed boys in that way. Why are there so many specialized stores that cater to women dressing up in all sorts of manner? I don't seen any Victors Secrets stores popping up anytime soon. You guys are the visual creatures. We shop and dress for your benefit, and our own too but why wouldn't we be flattered to have you pick out something you want to see us in? At least that's how I feel. Saves me the time trying on ten different outfits to pick the best one. And even if you're not one to compliment we know or hope you like how it looks cause you're the one who picked it.
     Things don't have to be grand planned to be romantic. "Honey why don't you and I go out to dinner at this place I've chosen tonight?" Speaks volumes. One, I don't have to cook, Yeah! Two, You've decided where and we don't have to fight over who picks, Super! Three, You want to spend alone time with me outside of the house, Awesome! And Sweet, Lets go! You could even suggest making something for dinner together and a movie at homeas long as you give a title. It's the not having to think about it and plan it out over and over again that kills the every day drudgery and makes things special. Really simple. At least thats how I am, simple. And a big fat sucker for some romance!
   

 

Gross!

     We all have to deal with a lot of gross throughout our lives. Probably a bit more of it when you have kids. Also, maybe the more kids the more gross. That could depend on your kids. Although they cannot conrol how often they get sick with the gross symptoms of throwing up and diarrhea. They all get potty trained and some have more accidents than others. All part of the parenting fun for us and growing up for them. My one son is prone to bloody noses. I can deal with them, sort of have to as mom, but they make me nervous and of course gross me out more than some other things. I'll take throw up any time over any type of bleeding from the face. That just pushes me over the edge.
     As kids get older they get more stinky. Yeah, sure, we all do. One of those fun facts of life. Showering and teeth brushing is a major thing. Having to remind everyone to do it really gets to be a pain in the butt. Maybe I've told them, "You stink! One too many times because if I just say, "I think you should shower." They generally don't until I say something more direct like, "Get in the shower, now!" Same goes for brushing the teeth. Direct orders and the jobs get done. Most of my kids are certainly old enough to know and want to be clean yet for some strange reason do not. I just don't get it.
     I think that book "Everybody Poops" is hysterical, not to mention true. Pretty sure I've read iot to all the kids. On our cross country road trip, while at the Grand Canyon I couldn't resist getting their book titled, "Who pooped in the park." It shows what different animals poop looks like so you can tell what animal had been there. Well I've finally got my older animals trained to at least try to get rid of their poop smell in my bathroom. Febreeze doesn't cut it anymore. When the stink starts heading down the hallway I can't take it. My husband has long said I've got a nose like a dog so yes a lot of smells get to me. They know that even if it's winter that bathroom window better be opened so the smell doesn't stay in the house. Now I am working on getting them to remember to close said window, especially in the winter.
     We've all got special peeves that put us over the edge, do we not? A big one for me is when someone brings the bathroom garbage into the kitchen. My kids collect the garbage and get it out two days a week as one of their chores. Instead of taking a bag around the house to dump all the pails into they collect all the pails and bring them to the kitchen or outside directly to the larger pails when it's warm out. Many times I've tried to get them to use the bag as this is my way, the one that makes the most sense, and how I was taught to do it. They refuse, well not anymore. I walked into the kitchen the other night and the bathroom garbage pail was sitting on my kitchen counter nice and full. I screamed at my son about it because I was so totally grossed out and left the room. Not much later I walk back into the area and the same pail is now sitting on the table. Same table we eat dinner at! Sure they play play doh and arts and crafts things there but the bathroom garbage on that table just pushed me too far. There will no longer be a collecting of the pails in this house! I also made said gross child scrub down the counter and the table and use a bag! Something about the bathroom garbage in the area where I make food and eat it every day is the grossest thing to me!

Groceries

     Out of sight, out of mind has never felt truer to me lately. I've been working in a grocery store for about six months now. I've been the main grocery shopper of my house for about 17 years.  It's a completely different animal being there every day, seeing all that good tempting food! As a shopper with a limited budget and, usually a small child with me, I'd get in get what I needed and get out. I'd stick to my list and maybe, if possible, add in an extra treat or two if I saw something yummy and had the extra cash to pay for it. Usually it'd something for said child and most often eaten and gone before we even got home.
     Going through other peoples' grocery orders and up and down all the aisles about four nights a week I'm finding so many products I didn't even know exsisted. And once you see it, it's stuck there in your head. Especially yummy treats that your dying to eat. At least that's how it works for me. Things get stuck in my head and I keep thinking about it. The hunger for it grows and grows until I finally give in and treat myself to it. It was so much easier avoiding it all when I didn't work there. Now to see it a couple nights a week the pull to have it becomes that much stronger. And I get that much weaker.
     Many items I've had before, but maybe not in years, that after seeing over and over I just want sooo bad I can't help myself anymore. Some things I've given in for are: flavored pretzels, pierogies, munchos, teddy grahams, onion rings, liverwurst, root beer, double chocolate oreos, vodka sauce, french toast sticks, fresh garlic bread and new items like dulce de leche Cheerios and Krave cereal. I'm in the store so often it's easy to grab a little something here and there. Spend a few bucks on me here and there or on stuff to bring home and let the family treat on too. It is really easy to justify many of the purchases as the kids wanting them too. Although, sometimes I eat them at work, or hid them at home because I just don't want to share them. They'd have never been the wiser if I hadn't posted about it but it's ok. We all need to treat ourselves sometimes.
     All that is the things possible to buy in the grocery store itself. I'm not the only one working there, and everyone is always eating. Most of my coworkers are aged 16-22. They've got money to burn and teenage appetites. Needless to say fast food is constantly around me. I have gotten to try the new Burger King fries and Mcdonalds chicken mcbites thanks to them though. There is so much other stuff out there though. Many of them constatly talk about Pizza Hut and their cheesy bread. Can't tell you how much I want some cheesy bread but have yet to go for it. Have had quite a few mozzarella sticks lately because of it but they're just not the same. White Castle is another fav as it's a hop, skip, and jump from the store. I swear soon I'll be bribing one of them to bring me some back. That would mean I'd have to have cash on me. I make a point of not bringing any to work very often as I if I have it I'll use it.
     The few adults I work with usually wind up ordering dinner from Chili's right next door to our store. There are plenty of goodies I won't even look twice at. It's the quesadillas that have been killing me lately. Mike had one a few weeks ago and Liz just last week. I want one sooo bad I know i'll be giving in to that craving much sooner than later. Quiznos is right with us too but thank goodness for picky eaters- I had someones' sandwich when they decided they didn't like it. So that fix has been checked off. At least for now.
     The problem with food is you have to eat it every day. You are hungry every day. And they make so much incredibly delicious, different tasting things. There's always more to try and to just plain want. Eventually I've got to give in to that want. I'd love to have a large sum of money to take to the store and just buy anything I wanted. Anything that looked good to eat, that was so yummy I had to put it in my cart. Or maybe just some stuff I know my kids would want to have or try, or my husband. I wouldn't have to look at how much it was or see if there was a cheaper version. Grab and go and savor. I played around on the stores' website just adding anything that looked good into my cart. I didn't even get through about half  the lists and I was already close to $300. Thought I did hit on health and beauty and some of those products can get expensive, especially when you don't look at the price. And bakey/bread I'm such a sucker for bread. The smell of it is so awesome.
     I guess if I could treat myself and my family all the time that would really take the fun out of the treats. We'd also probably be rather large people. Neither of those are good things. But it would be a lot of fun to shop and try anything my heart desired. Just once to not go with a list. To go and have fun picking out food. Not picking out meals and dinners and whats good for all of us to eat. To bring home a ton of tasty treats just because it was fun and it looked good. That could be some good eating. Although my kids' stomachs would probably be better able to handle it than my hubands and mine.

Dark Side

     My mom has told me a story about when I was in elementary school, either kindergarten or first grade. It seems they called her in to ask her about my drawings. They always seemed to be dark, done with a heavy hand and mostly in black or some other dark color. They wanted to make sure everything was ok at home. It was, but I do wish she would have kept some of these so called drawings for me to see now.
     I love many of the crime shows that are on tv now. I am obsessed with the original CSI. I can and do watch the episodes over and over again. I don't remember the outcomes unless I've seen them a few times so maybe that's a part of it. I watch CSI:NY, Bones, Unforgettable, Body of Proof, cancelled shows like Without a Trace and Cold Case were also favorites and I still watch them in repeats when I can. CSI is on every weekday except Friday and I know I can always tune it in. I hate when I forget it's Friday and I have nothing to automatically turn to. I wonder if my love of these shows has anything to do with my dark side or is it the cases and characters?
     I have read many a mystery novel also. Quite a few of James Pattersons', and I believe all of Harlan Cobens. I don't stick with many authors no matter what the genre and love to try new stuff. Dean Koontz had been a favorite for awhile but I haven't read him in some time. I like solving puzzles, they are my favorite type of game. Is that why I'm into the mysteries?
    While driving on the service road I always pass this same stretch of woods, not long ago I noticed a box set back from the road somewhat in the wooded area. It was a decent sized box someone probably tossed and it just blew back there,.I have seen plenty of garbage along this stretch. For some reason I can't explain my mind wandered elsewhere. It hooked onto this box and I couldn't help wonder what if there was some sort of body part in that box? It was certainly large enough and maybe even enough for a whole body, who knew? I have to chalk it up to my CSI obsession for thinking this way. But seriouly would anyone else out there wonder such a thing? I still wonder if I should have gone back and checked it.
     Driving is certainly not one of my favorite things to do but something we must to get from point A to point B in this world. Anyway many, many times while driving I wonder what it would feel like to crash into something. How would the impact feel, would I spin, flip, or what? My new drive to work takes me down Nichols Road crossing the overpass at Middle Country Road, both rather large busy highways. I remember being in high school heading this way before the overpass was built. Now usually it's dark and some evenings I notice how traffic is backed up on Middle Country. Recently I couldn't help noticing the guard rails and wondering how much they'd really hold, how it would feel to crash through it and fly through the air down onto Middle Country. Like floating until the smash of metal on metal or pavement? Dark side mind at work or what?
     My husband was pretty sick with a lot of breathing problems. He was snoring louder than ever and waking me and himself up at night with the stange sounds he'd make just from trying to breathe. It went on for awhile. It got pretty scary. If I got home from work after he was asleep I had a really hard time getting to sleep myself. I'd just lie there listening to him breathe, or try to breathe really. I couldn't help but wonder what if he just stopped breathing? What if he never got better? What if this killed him? What would I do? What would happen then? These may be more normal natural thoughts people have but still quite dark, no? Maybe it's just because I seem to have had a lot of these thoughts lately that I'm wondering, as we all do, is it normal? 
    

Friends/Family

     I have a sister I have never been close to. Doubt that I ever will be. Some people may think that's sad, I just think it's better for me. We are nothing alike. All my life because we are related I've had to abide by certain obligations. This biggest most annoying one.... she didn't have any friends to be in her wedding so I was forced by my parents to be in it. I still don't get why any bride would want someone they didn't particularly like, or get along with to be in their wedding? When it came time for my wedding I wanted people I could trust, people I wanted around me and whom I knew would be there for me to help me in my wedding. I certainly didn't choose this sister. Which of course meant I couldn't choose the other one I am close too, but since we do get along and actually talk she understood completely.
     Being a certain age I have had enough and finally gone off a bit about it always being "my sisters' show." Maybe it's got to do with her being the first girl and closest to my mother? Maybe it's her husband? Maybe it's just her? I can't really tell you but I'm done. I can tolerate holidays with her but there really is no point in trying for more. I'd love to help her with things I know I could. Thing is she doesn't ask for it. She expects it. And most certainly doesn't appreciate it. Has never reciprocated a favor. I'm not about to volunteer to be used. Not anymore. I wouldn't pick her as a friend why do I have to deal with crap just because I'm related to it?
     Maybe if she could ever be happy for anyone else people would want to be happy for her? I'm not anymore. I know my girlfriends' kids better than I know my nephew. It's just time to accept that's the way it's going to be. I choose to spend time with them. The adults and the kids all have a great time together. They are more of a family to me than my sisters family. Seems like they always have and always will be.
     Growing up I was always in awe of sisters I saw hanging out and doing things together. They were so close. In high school my sister didn't even speak to me. She had a car and drove every day her senior year. Not once did she drive me. I guess my mother could have made her, maybe it would have made us closer, maybe not. I do remember being friends with other seniors who thought she was a bitch. Which was exactly how I saw her and it was great to me that other people did too. Growing up I'm also hearing more stories and learning things about her I didn't know. Things like that are always interesting.
     I don't believe I've ever confided in or shared any secrets with my sister. I've had many friends some since the first grade that I still have. Wouldn't they be my family? I certainly consider them to be so. Just because we're not blood related certainly doesn't matter to me. I can count on them, I love them. I'm not even sure I can say I love my sister. Ok, that may be sad, but it's fact. I've no doubt I'd be sadder if my girlfriend moved away than if my sister did. Actually it almost happened and I was quite happy to see her go. Maybe that's mean but I knew I wouldn't have as many obligations to deal with.
    The dictionary has many definitions for family which is so true as my family is many things. I can't say the best definition is the one that says about a group not related by blood because that would leave out way too many people. But my husband, my closest family, the first person to come to mind when I think family, is not related to me by blood. I chose him to be my family. Why should he be the only one get to chose? Sometimes sisters and brothers are just as important to lean on.

School Obsessed

     As parents we are our childrens' best teachers. A job I love early on but don't think I've been as good at as they have gotten older. For me the pre-school years are the most fun. These little kids are discovering every single thing out there. There is so much to see and learn. So many teaching opportunities every day. I loved having my kids home with me and shopping with me at this age. At the store with one of my extras we counted how many milks we were getting and what colors were on them. Of course what else we saw in the store and other colors. A quick 15 min milk run equaled a fun little learning experience. It really is that simple.
     Kids are learning to read in Kindergarten. My oldest boys didn't learn until first grade. Pre-k has become pretty much universal. We all know its needed, sometimes more often for social experience than for educational purposes. One of my children needed early intervention and had to start school at 3 because he was barely speaking. His twin needed social experience so at age 4 I put him in a pre-k program. It was only 3 days a week for about 3 hours a day. It was also what I could afford. It definitly benefitted him as he was shy to begin with, still is mind you. My daughter did not go to any form of pre-k. It made starting Kindergarten a little more scary for her but she certainly thrived. I was asked at her screening, and later by her teacher, where she went to pre-k because she knew so much. I couldn't have been prouder to say she didn't go anywhere and was home with me. My youngest was able to get into the free district offered pre-k program. I didn't want him to go but it was good for him and he loved seeing his friends every day for 2 and 1/2 hours. I don't know how much he learned per say as he knew so much when he started. His teacher couldn't get over the fact he counted to over 100 when they only needed to know to 20 and many kids couldn't do that.
     I guess I just don't understand parents who want to ship their kids off to pre-k at 3 or even 2 when they could be spending that much more time with them. Sure some don't have a choice as work is a major factor. Others need that extra learning to get them onto the same level as other children their age. But if you have the option wouldn't you rather teach your own child? Spend time with your child? I would and I'm really glad I did. If the free pre-k had been available for my daughter she probably would have went too. I am really glad it wasn't though. It was a fun year at home with her, myself and her new baby brother.
     Every situtaion is different. Every child is different. Of course every parent is going to do what they think is best. Although all four of my kids had different pre-k experiences I think each one was right for them and us. If I could have I'd have kept them all home and played and taught them every day. It really is so easy. There are letters and numbers and shapes and colors everywhere. It's really not hard to show them and share it with them and explain things to them. Maybe you look and sound silly to other people around you but they don't matter, your child learning does. With the twins I was very hesitant to talk to them about the world around us when they could barely answer back. It's your job to look silly, the kids won't see you that way they'll just take in eveything your saying. I totally don't care what anyone thinks anymore. We even talk about what's in other peoples carts at the store now. Guess I've done it enough to totally not care.
     My son had very simple homework in his pre-k class. He has homework 4 days a week now in Kindergarten. A big change from the twins early years. If they are used to sitting down with you and drawing or reading the step over into doing homewrok doesn't seem like such a big one. I certainly enjoy doing our own projects better than the assigned ones from school but the kids don't need to know that. They'll be learning with you either way. Once school does start they need your help reiterating anything new or not so new they've learned. And of course showing them that it is important. But it can also be a lot of fun. Especially all the new books they'll soon be able to read to you. It's such a thrill for me when they start reading. My five year old loves math and has been adding for quite some time. Go Fish wasn't enough anymore we had to teach him the card game 31. He loves adding up his points. I believe my husband will soon be working with him on poker. And before you get on me for gambling, we use fun things like goldfish and cookies and pretzels. It's fun family time and more learning experiences too! From us not just school.

Again?

    This writing itch of mine just doesn't seem to go away. It can lie dormant for some time, as you may have noticed, but eventually I've got to get something on paper. This, of course, is not exactly paper but I've used up quite a bit of it at home lately to get to this point of actually putting it out there. I have no clue what I'm doing or where I'm going. The twins are graduating high school in June and I feel like them- like I did at that same point in my life all over again. What the heck am I doing? Am I going to do? How in the world am I supposed to help them figure it out when I feel I'm in the same place myself? Sure, they have it a bit easier no kids, house, spouse, job.... as of yet. Maybe because I never felt the need to find a career and get on the right path toward one I can make sure they do. So they never get back to this place as long as they are happy in their choice- hopefully they'll stay there.
     Words have always been my passion, whether writing or reading them. I've seen a few friends self publish their own books and am always jealous. Yet I can never seem to finish one of my own. Have tried and started and even gotten quite a few chapters in, then..... Well I pretty much block myself and refuse to keep going much less even look at my words to get myself motivated again. I've toyed with putting some out on here but am never sure thats the best idea. So I find myself avoiding it and tooling around the web trying to find a way to write and make money. Yeah sure cause that will ever happen. But it's still there the urge to get things out of my head and out into the open. And I'm back on my blog yet again. Still not knowing where it's all going.
     I always saw myself as a mom. I didn't see myself taking care of other peoples' kids. Though I certainly enjoy it and the moneys not bad either I just never saw myself here. Am I that age already? Wondering what happened and how I got here? Not quite, but now that my baby is in school full time  I've actually got time to think and wonder and contemplate..... What The Hell Comes Next? Of course my mom career will never be over but it's certainly lessening more and more as these years fly on by. So i'll vent and preach and share and maybe even pull you in a little to my fantasy fictional musings- maybe with some feedback I'll actually make something out of it for once. Or at least finish more than a few chapters.