reasoning

At work but making the effort to get in blog today. been awhile are you glad I'm here? :) when i started this i thought it may be better if not a lot of people read this then i could really get into anything i wanted to and not have to think about anyone reading it. but then thats just a diary and i've had plenty of those. this was supposed to be different. this was finally supposed to get my words out there. to get some feedback maybe, some readers maybe. see what i was made of and why i haven't forced myself into writing more as i always dreamed i would. there was a story in one of those chicken soup for the soul books about a girl who wanted to write and wanted to b the author of the book sitting propped up in the library that she loved so much. well i didn't write it but i was certainly that girl. i know i am afraid to push myself because what if i really am no good. who wants to kill the dream. i'm also lazy. I hate editiong and going over what i write. over and over and over again. but that is the work part. and if your read me here ennough you'll see how some entries are nice and clean with all the proper punctuation and all we learned so many years ago and others are not. I either do not have the time to fix and want to get it posted or just don't care. usually i don't care when i'm completely venting and i'd rather not read over what i wrote. today i do not have time. i had to sit here waiting for this laptop to boot up and connect and then realised it was slow cause i wasn't connected to the correct network. so ten minutes of my 15 mintue break were just waiting. of course we all take more than 15. usually a good thirty and since its friday and i'm stuck with people i don't like much and are lazy bastards i may stretch it to 45 if i need it like they do. :)
Anyway i was talking with someone last night and i believe they made reference to my last blog which made my night as i was happy someone was acknowledging what i'm doing here. and that of course keeps me going and writing. sometimes i just get this itch where i have to write. have to get stuff out have to feel then pen and the paper in my hands. or see the words come up on the screen as i put them together. unfortunately that usually takes a month or so of not writing to push me to it. and even then when i do its a bunch of pages and i leave it again. I never asked if thats why they said what they did i just assumed it and it got me here today. actually before i fell asleep last night i was thinking of all the things i could be writing but i really needed to be sleeping. this happens way too often. when i'm lying there and just can't shut off my brain i have the best ideas of what to write about. can even get the thoughts organized and the words right. i have learned if i don't get up and write stuff down its gone. or at least it doeasn't come back to me in that same perfect way as it had in the middle of the night. again i'm lazy most of the time and i don't get up and do it. a serious dedicated writer would. guess i'm not there yet.
I am in the middle of a very good book right now. only started it a day or 2 ago and i'll probably finish it today. did not take my break to read this time for the reason stated above and also it's looking slow here today so i may get in a lot of reading time instead of working. so maybe i'll even be back here for a second go round on my afternoon break. lunchtime i have plans so your out of luck :) anyway this book is one that makes me want to write. its one that hits you and stays with you. thats what i want to do. if only i have the right topic i guess. there are so many fluff books out there i have had ideas for them and knew they may make it but i don't make myself do it. although that is not entirely true. i started on. my husband bought me my first laptop a few years ago. i was thirlkled tho it was probably too expensive at the time. i started using it more and more and putting together stories of all the crazy people my and my coworkers have dealt with over the years. it was going pretty nicely and i believe i saved most of it onto a disc somewhere so one day i could go back but heres what's keeping me away... my husband and i made an office room in our tiny middle bedroom for awhile. he had a desk with computer and all and i finally had my own desk again to be able to sit and write. i also put up shelves above my desk holding photo albums so i could use my desk for scrapbooking and to get rid of the 20 plus photo albums i have. well one day as my nice laptop was sitting on my nice desk waiting for me to pour my heart and soul into some great work that i had actually maybe started for once, seriously, we heard a loud crash. and if you haven't already already guessing. the big albums crashed the laptop on the desk and the laptop was no more. sure my husband did his best but no good. so i ask you is that a sign. cause to me it was. either what i was doing was crap or i just wasn't meant to. and for a long time after i rarely wrote a thing. to me it was like my dream was crushed right there in front of my eyes.
pretty depressing. but i'm here and i'm still trying. but time is ticking away and i'n thinking i need to go to school to have a better job than the one i've been hating a lot lately. or then i toy with the idea that if i worked at writing like i would have to for school... well maybe i'd get to where i always dreamed i'd be.