Babies

     A week or so ago there was one day that was all about babies. I found out someone was pregnant. We watched a TV show where one of the main characters did nothing else but talk about having a baby and becoming pregnant. When that was over flipped to a classic "Family Ties" and what do you know it's the episode where Elyse finds out she's pregnant with Andy. During the tv viewing I found out another friend was pregnant. Nothing like a litle push to set something to the forefront of your mind.
     For a long time I thought there'd be another baby in this house eventually. I've been coming to realize, and adjust to, the fact that that just isn't going to happen. And it's probably for the best too. If I were rich I'm sure I'd have lots more kids. I'd also be able to have hired help to clean my house while I got to play and take care of them all day. And bring along on any fun trips like the one we took this summer so we'd still be able to do them. Ah, fantasyland, such a fun place to play in.
    Anyway, I do sort of feel like I'm done with diapers and formula and feedings every three hours. Sure, I still get some of it with my extras but it's a big difference when your not doing it 24/7. I'm sure every mom out there could tell you that. I can see how things like our spontaneous lucky trip to the parade this year would never have happened if we had had another. Same with our amazing cross country trip this summer. And I know that's a good thing. My husband has said he's done and just doesn't have the patience anymore for babies. I may not either but just can't commit to that, "I'm done" statement.
     I really loved being pregnant. Every time. No they weren't always easy and yes there were plenty of times I bitched and moaned about having no control over my body. Just the feeling of that baby growing in there is so amazing. It really does cancel out all of the crappy stuff. Nothing in this world compares to it. I think that's mainly what I can't say I'm done with yet. Getting to feel that feeling one more time. I also feel like I should have one good comfortable pregnancy where everything else in life is going well. My first I was 19 and living at home with  my parents. My second we were all living with my dad at the time trying to make our own way. My third we were figuring out how to fit us all into our small little house. My husband and I had our living room/bedroom. Lots of fun sleeping on a pull out couch being pregnant! But that's just life and I will certainly always remember each one very well. I don't really think there is such a thing as a pefect easy pregnancy anymore. But a comfortable one was still a hope. And since we're not quite comfortable another one really isn't in the cards.
     I really wish I had taken more big baby belly photos. Decency and fat be damned. I'm not happy I don't have those. A few girlfriends I know even did fashion shots. I wish I had done something like that. Oh well. We never get it all and there are always some regrets. We get what we get and we make the best of it. So Emily will be my only girl. I'll be able to do more with her. Give her more things and more time. And hopefully we'll be a whole lot closer than my mother and I are.
     I can see where I have more time for my kids without another baby in the house. That's a wonderful thing to have. I can be more involved in each of their lives. Sure, my husband doesn't like when I get on the big boys about girls but that's my priviledge as their mom. I grew up a lot with them too when they were just babies and I certainly don't want them making any of my mistakes. Sure there's a whole mess of things I might change if I had the chance. They would never be part of that. Hindsight is 20/20 right?
     It's been a running thing in my head all this stuff about babies. Maybe now I've gotten it out I'll be good. Maybe. I see the reasons, and there are lots and lots and lots of good ones. And I think I'm coming to accept just how good they really are. I didn't sleep well with all of this in my head last night. This morning when I was finally up for good I picked up a Glamour magazine I had in the bathroom to have some peace from Jake for a few minutes this morning. There was this whole article about surrogate moms. I thought it a little funny and appropriate for my mindset. Not that I could ever do something like that. Plus I think I'm too old for it already. And would carrying someone elses baby even give you the same feeling? Probably not, there's this whole thing about yours when your belly is full of baby I think. But I wouldn't know.
     My kids will get a better Mom I think without an extra sibling. I'll have more to give. And finances to do more. I need to see them as they grow and how each age is a wonderful thing. It's not all about the babies anymore. I think I'm already starting to see how I can enjoy them more without another demanding all my time. And that's really good for them. And probably me and my husband too. As there's never been just us. I had kids when he met me. But that makes it a little scary too. Maybe another reason why I'm holding onto the baby thing still. What will we be without kids around?