pencil, paper, and coffee

     I watched a movie called 'Young Adult' the other day. While watching my itch for writing again became that much stronger. Who knew a silly movie could hit me that way? Well, I sort of did because every time I watch Finding Forrester I want to write that amazing novel everyone loves even if I fall into oblivion afterward like Sean Connery. It's the characters that get me every time. Who I want to be or think I can be, or just be a little bit like, that make me try again and again and again to be more. To go back to the crazy dreams and think for a little while they could possibly be achievable.
    Going in I had no idea Charlize Theron was a YA author in the movie. Sure the series she wrote had been created by someone else but she was the writer. And maybe the series was no longer popular but she could still go out and see tangible evidence of her writing. She didn't have the husband and family she thought she'd have had but she had the writing part. I have the opposite. And of course the end leaves you with the possibility that she could still have what she didn't. Being her character is probably around my age, why can't I? Yeah yeah, it's just a movie. But what makes a good movie or book is when it hits you, inspires you, or just makes you think. Ok. I've said that before.
     It made me remember how much I loved the YA or, as I knew it, young teen books. I read so much when I was that age. It was what I did for fun. My escape. It was also when I wrote my first cheesy story. I believe I let a friend or two read it at the time. And I still have it, though believe its missing a page or two. Not that it really matters. No one is ever going to read it. I just like having it. The fact that it's still around on paper and pencil thrills me. I often think that when I type out a story on the computer it's more real or something. Truth is a lot of things I've put on computer I may not have anymore. Or would be a lot harder to get to read as they are on some disc or flash drive somewhere. Not as readily available as my paper which I always have stashed somewhere safe. Yellowed old paper beats this computer hands down every time. Guess Thats why I'm such a sucker for books too.
     The movie made me realize I need to not be so afraid of what I've written. I started digging through all my old pages of things I've saved. So many stories I've started, ideas I've had, notes I've kept to help me write, and of course journal writing. Sometimes a book sometimes a few pages here and there. If I can finally read over all these crazy things I've written maybe I can finally get to finishing something. Some things I've totally forgotten about but once I start reading them I can remember clearly when I wrote them. Maybe I can redo something I started years ago and get it out there. The oldest one I,ve found so far is from 24 years ago! Funny part is I've barely gotten through all my saved writings and had to get on here and write something. Nothing like some good inspiration.
     24 years I've had this desire to get stories on paper. I think I became more afraid of letting people read my work and failing at writing over that time. Think it's time I gave that part up. It could be interesting to see what my kids think. I just hope I don't disappoint my husband. For my 20th birthday, when my twins were just 8 months old, my brother, who was still in the service at the time, sent me a check for $500. I knew it was to help me out at a pretty crappy time. I took that check and enrolled in a writing course that was done through the mail. I still feel I disappointed him by never finishing the course or publishing anything. I did get all the way to the last assignment. At the very least I know I have to finish that one for myself even if it was started 15 years ago.
     It was doing those assignments on Saturdays when my twins were with their father that I'd sit with pencil, paper and added in the cup of coffee to keep me going. As I sit with it next to the computer now I feel like it's become a part of my own little writing ritual. Though I've definitely written at some oddball times and places pencil, paper and, more often than not as the years have gone on, coffee have always been along for the ride. The dining room table I'm sitting at is full of papers I'm trying to categorize. It's tough not to read all of all of them. I think once they are organized I can pull out something each day that will hopefully inspire me to get out the pencil and paper and keep going. The computer I'm typing on has a small corner of the table, just enough space for me to reach onto and type. No matter what technology brings paper will always win! Of course I'll then be forced to type it if I want any chance of ever being published.