Paper

     I have a desk where I can sit and write. Problem is there is never much room at my desk to sit and write. I have filled the drawers and areas all around my desk with books, and papers, and magazines, and things of the kids, and notebooks. Some written in some not. I have pictures and things for the cookie business hanging around there too. I always feel I need to clean it up, straighten it out, get rid of some stuff. I usually can but I'm always left keeping a ton of paper. Ripped out newspaper clippings. Articles or mentions of websites I want to check out. Things I want to do. Places to go and see. I tried seperating things out into folders but it never stays that way. I have many pages and notebooks of writings I've started. Stories never finished, quotes I like, things I had been thinking or feeling. I've always had a diary or journal of sorts but never the same one and I've never been good with keeping it on a daily basis.
     I realize I've always surrounded myself with all these sorts of paper items and the like. Growing up I had a white metal grated cart in my bedroom. There were four shelving areas on it. Each one was usually full of some sort of paper or book or magazine type matter. And just like my desk and all my other places for keeping all this stuff I can't part with now I'd feel I shouldn't have it, it was clutter. And I'd never get through it all or use it all. But there it always sat and stayed and from time to time I'd go through it and weed it out a bit. More likely I was always adding to it. It just made me, makes me feel good to have it. I don't know that I need it all but I like having it all there. Knowing it's there somewhere if I do need it.
    When working at the library with such easy access to so much more paper goodies and no late fees to worry about I had a ton more lying around the house that I would eventually get to and use and read and look through. I'd have to photocopy any of the good stuff out of those for keeping and I did just that. A lot of times. I have a whole notebook full of some of my favorite stories I found while reading many of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books when they were popular. I couldn't get rid of those. Maybe one day my kids will enjoy them. Or someone. I do when I have a chance to sit and reread them. Which of course isn't all that often as I'm usually finding more paper goods to keep. But knowing I have them makes me feel good. They really are great stories. I should pull them out and share them with the kids.
    I have things ripped out from magazines all over this house. From my bedroom top drawer of my nightstand, that is full of more paper goodies, books, magazines and always a notebook and pen to write with should I need it. To the bathroom where I have a notebook and pen hiding out in the closet for using when the hubby is sleeping and I don't wnat to wake him and I don't want to go downstairs to write whatever it is I need to get out that is keeping me up that night. There are also magazine slips on weight loss, exercise routines, make up tips and beauty items I would like to purchase one day when I go out and splurge on myself. I'm sure I'll get to them one day. Of course the kitchen is full of recipes and cooking ideas all over the And not just in the recipe box where of course they should be. At least I throw away the magazine and only keep the best pages with the good stuff on them.
     I wonder what Rob would think if suddenly I was gone and he had all this paper of mine to go through. I do believe he thinks I'm nuts for having it all right now. Would he look at each paper? Would he read everything I ever wrote? Would the kids? Would they care? Would they have the time, make the time? Would they realize that all that paper and notebooks and every little written scrap meant something I wanted to do or needed to do or try? I was looking for a specific notebook yesterday that I knew only I could find and know what the important stuff was in it. I noticed then how many notebooks I do have going right now with so many different things and thoughts kept in them. Do I start a new one just for them for what if just like in Bridges of Madison County? Though I of course don't have some deep dark hidden romance to tell them about so they'll understand where to toss my ashes.
     My attic and possibly crawlspace have a box or two each of more paper I won't part with. Things I wrote from junior high on up. 7th grade I wrote my first cheesy story about a dance and a guy I liked. I know its in a box somewhere with other paper goodies. How could I throw that away? There is another full box of notes a friend and I wrote back and forth to each other-no texting then! We had our own notebook just for notewriting and would pass it only between the two of us. We figured one day we'd turn it into a book. So, all those pages and notebooks we used sit up there just waiting. Wonder what my kids would think of those? The everyday baloney of my high school life. Or at least the stuff I talked to my girlfriend about. Maybe it's time to do something with it. There's got to be a ton of stories in there.
    Or I'll just keep starting more stories and generating more paper to keep. You know it's been awhile since I've printed out my blogs. Yes, I must do that so I always have them just incase the internet disappears or something. So Emily and Jake can see all my crazy writing when they're older, who knows there's lots of reasons! Ok so maybe I have a paper sickness. No time for doctors though I must go and do some printing now.