Crash

     Have you ever been driving in your car coming up on a red light with no one stopped in front of you and wondered, "What if just didn't stop? Could I sail right through? Would I make it? Could I get that lucky? If someone hit me which side would they hit me from? Left? Or right? What about that little black car that just crossed in front of me, would he have been the one to hit me? What if it was a big truck? What then? Would the car spin or just collapse in on itself from the side? How loud would it be? Would I scream? Would anyone hear me? Would I hit someone else? How hurt would I be? How would my family react?"
     I've got issues with driving. I never really cared to learn but knew I had too. If only I could walk everywhere. That said, if I know where I am I can be a confident, happy driver. I've had many panic attacks over driving places I was unfamiliar with. If I hadn't driven there before I would try not to go or to get someone else to drive. The heart palpitations and the crying would ensue. Sometimes I'd get my way sometimes I'd have to suck it up and do it. I've gotten much better over the years. Moving out of the house I grew up in and my comfort zone helped that immensely. I still hate not knowing where I'm going. I become ok with it and do it as long as I have a map and detailed directions of where I'm going that I pretty much study/memorize before attempting to drive there. Yeah, in case you're wondering, that whole big cross country trip I went on this summer? I drove one time, in New Mexico, in the hotel parking lot- to move the car closer to our room.
     I wonder if that anxiety brings on the crash thoughts or I'm just a crazy person wondering what it would feel like if I ran right into that telephone pole, or the big tree on the other side of the road. Would either of them give any? Would the car wrap right around them? Would I hit my head on the wheel? Would the air bag pop out? What would that feel like? Or what about that slight embankment I drive by everyday taking Jake to school? If I turned the wheel too much or another car pushed me over would I completely lose control? Would the car flip over? How many times? Could I be left hanging upside down from my seatbelt? How would that feel?
     Sure we all have issues and this just happens to be a big one of mine. I used to refuse to drive on the expressway. If I had to get on it to go somewhere well, I just wouldn't go. Moving to a street right off the service road of said expressway has losened me up quite a bit. I still don't like it but I do it. And I'd much rather drive east with less crazy people, or so I think, than west. Needless to say I'm not sure how many times I've gone east. West? I can count on one hand how many. I survivied.
     I had the worst panic attack of my life years ago on the service road of Sunrise highway. Not a good way to drive at all, but I had to go that way and had no way out of it. I obviously made it through as I'm still here to tell you all about it. I have yet to ever drive anywhere near Sunrise again to this day though. I absolutely flat out refuse. If I need to go somewhere near I find any way other than going on Sunrise to get there. Maybe one day I'll try again. But it'll take a lot of convincing and probably my calm husband in the car with me incase I freak out.
     I've never been in any major car accident. One small sideswipe that was totally not my fault. I had the light. But anyway, Is that why my brain conjures up these thoughts as I'm in my car. I only have them when I'm driving and it's always the what if?  Because 'what if' is such a fun game to play. I've seen a few accidents occur right in front of me and I know I'm not alone in that. They totally freak me out and I can't stop thinking about them for days when I do see one. It's my nature to be obsessive, haven't been able to break that one at all so far. Maybe I shouldn't watch so much TV with car accidents. Yeah like any of us can get away from those. At least I don't obsess about the TV ones just the ones I'm an eyewitness too.
     We're all going to go sometime and I wonder if this obsession, paranoia, anxiety is a foreboding of some sort. My husband has a thing about the water, so I guess we may not be going together. Whats yours? Do you have one? Anyway, I guess eventually one day we'll know. In the meantime I'll do my best just keeping it all in my head while I'm driving. Maybe it's keeping me better focused when I drive and away from any major accident. Who knows?