Where There's Smoke

     I have never been a smoker. No pack a day or anything going on here, ever. I dated plenty of them. Many of my friends were. So sure I smoked here and there. Mostly in high school and once in awhile after. I can't say I was ever addicted. I can say every now and then, mainly when stressing out, I'd want one just for the calming effect. I rarely smoked in front of anyone after high school. Don't think anyone even had a clue I did as much as I did. It helped to have friends and a brother who'd leave their butts around for me to swipe a few to stash for later use.
     If I was having a butt I'd be doing it alone, outside somewhere, just sitting. Doing nothing else but smoking it. I guess that's why it was a calming release for me. The last one I ever had was in my car with all windows down to leave no trace for my hubby, on my way to work shortly after we had moved into our new house. Stress reliever. That could be in part because my brother has moved away and just about all my friends have quit. And I refuse to go buy a pack because I am not a smoker.
     I will say I've had the itch recently. Probably because of the stress of no job less money and being home all the time. But I won't scratch it. I will inhale deeply as I walk past someone smoking outside a store. Or when I catch the smell on the breeze coming in my window of the car as the person in the vehicle in front of me has just lit up. I can't help it sometimes. Sometimes it just smells so good.
     What's weird about smoking is sometimes it also smells really, really bad. I don't know if it's the type of cigarette or just the smell of stale old smoke thats makes it nasty. Certain people who reek of it I can't stand to be around. Is it because they've been smoking for too long, the smell just permeates them? When I'm not feeling well the smell of any kind of smoke bothers me. It really is quite strange to me.
     When it's good and I take in that long deep breath I think of sitting on the back porch at my dads house. My hiding spot to smoke cause I could hear when anyone pulled up at home and had plenty of places to ditch the butt. Sitting on the top step on the fake indoor/outdoor green grass that has been there forever. Just thinking and being and having a little time and space all for myself.